The Good Kind of Shock This Time

A friend told me that how she dealt with her cancer journey was to plan for the worst but hope for the best. Over the last few months this is sort of the approach I have taken. I have always tried to be positive and hope for the best, but I also have thought about the worst and how I would handle these situations. After meeting with my surgeon last week and getting my amazing pathology results I was still apprehensive about celebrating and believing that everything was as we had hoped. Today I met with my oncologist to get her take on everything and hear what was going to be happening next. Basically she said that the results I have gotten were everything we had hoped for. From this doctor, who often seems to hold back on any positivity, this was awesome to hear. The term remission gets used a lot in "cancer world" and to be honest I am not really sure exactly what it mean as it is used differently by different specialists, but the term she used was "pathological remission". At least according to my pathology results I am cancer free. I know that there could still be cancer in my body and the only way to know this for sure is to wait, go for my scans and see if anything shows up. For now though what I will hold onto and celebrate is that I have already beaten some odds. I was told that it was unlikely that the cancer would be gone, and at least for now it looks like it could be gone. So what next? I meet with the radiation oncologist next Friday and radiation should be starting within a few weeks of that. Someone once described radiation to me as "the cleanup crew". In my situation the cleanup crew could be very important as there are no cells that can be seen, but could be tiny ones floating around in there. From what I hear radiation is a breeze compared to chemo and surgery. My plan is to get back to being me as much as possible during this last phase of my treatment. It's like I took a little nap for the last 6ish months, but now, without a doubt I can say that KIM IS BACK!!!

cancer isn't killing me, I'm killing cancer!!!

The last week has been a bit difficult. It included a couple of days spent in ER for concerns that luckily turned out to be nothing. I have spent a lot of time in my head too, thinking about what has been happening to me and my feelings about the whole thing... it really hasn't been an easy week being me.

Today we finally got to see some light as I met with my surgeon to get the pathology results from my surgery. Basically they took all the stuff they cut out/off of me and tested it. Today the same surgeon who diagonsed me almost six months ago and on that day told me that he had never seen cancer grow that quickly, told me that he has never seen results like this from chemo. He said chemo will often shrink tumours like this considerably, but never has he seen it to this extent! So here are the results as I understood them. From the pathology of my breast they could tell that at one time the tumour had been greater than 8cm...they can tell that from the scar tissue. Now they could detect 0.5 mm (not cm but mm!!!) of non-evasive carcinoma (pretty much a dot of cancer cells that were just happy to be hanging out in my boob, not spreading or threatening). Next, I had 15 lymph nodes removed from under my arm and my chest. EVERY ONE of them was negative for carcinoma. They could tell that 4 had be cancerous at one time (scar tissue again) but now ZERO are cancerous. The surgeon said that it is likely that if there were cancer cells floating around elsewhere in my body they should have responded in the same way. Though there is no way to remove my sternum to do the same types of test on the cancerous spot there, it is likely that it has responded similarily. Radiation of my sternum will now be very important as if there are any cancerous cells hanging out in there still (even if they are non-evasive now I don't want them) radiation should be able to clean it all up. Obviously there are no guarantees and I still have a long road ahead of me, but there really couldn't have been any better results.

So how do I feel about all of this...to be honest it really hasn't sunk in at all. Lately I have been doing lots of reading and research about breast cancer and stage IV breast cancer. From everything that I have read/heard this type of cancer is not curable. While there have been a few cases where cure is still possible, for the most part treatment of the disease that I have is to prolong a persons life, not cure them. This is something that slowly I had come to accept, and while I still listened to all those people who told me that cure is still something of a possibility I tried to be realistic. Now, at least according to my surgeon, I have responded in such a way that maybe I can be one of those rare cases. I don't want to get ahead of myself, this is just one step of many, but at least now it doesn't seem like a complete fantasy. Today while seeing the surgeon he kept telling me "this is good news, this is good news", as I wasn't really responding as one might to such great news. I just told him that after a while you start to get used to hearing bad news and expect that it will always be that way, so maybe it will just take some time to sink in.

The Difference A Few Days Make

It is amazing how quickly I have recovered from surgery. For the first 3 or 4 days post-surgery it really did suck. There was very little that I could do for myself. I needed help to get changed, reach for things and even stand up from laying down. Luckily I had lots of great "nurses" around to help me. My mom has been great, looking after me, making sure I have been doing my exercises. Stephen also provided a lot of support, helping me in numerous ways and hanging out to help keep me entertained. The best thing I have gotten from Wes in this experience is acceptance of my new body. A while back I met a woman who had one breast removed and I remember her saying that her husband still two years post-surgery did not want to see her chest. I just thought this was so horrible. I mean you are going through something hugely traumatic and then to made to feel that you need to hide your body, like it is something hideous would only add to this difficult experience. Wes was right in there helping me empty my drains, helping me dress in the morning. I think I was a bit nervous the first time he saw my new chest, but he immediately put me at ease as he almost seemed shocked by how little of a difference it made. He has told me numerous times that it doesn't make any difference at all, and still tells me I am just as beautiful. Sometimes it almost feels like "we" have cancer and this is happening to both of us and we are fighting it together. This has made me feel so much more comfortable with my new body. I was very worried about my self esteem post-surgery and yes I am not quite at a place where I feel as confident physically as before, but it is nowhere near as hard and I thought it would be. I can look in the mirror and really think things don't look that bad or unattractive, and I think I have the accepting people in my life to thank for this. It almost feels liberating in a way that I am hardly affected by the loss of my breasts. Today there are countless women (and men) out there who put such huge importance on this part of the female body. Women go through major surgery that has huge risks in order to just enlarge their breasts. It makes me feel very strong that I don't feel influenced by this aspect of society at all. Women like me can still be beautiful without breasts!

After I got over those first few bad days and then had my horrible drains taken out a week after the surgery I have felt almost like my normals self. I am driving again, meeting up with great friends for coffee/lunches and getting out doing things with mom. If only the weather was a little better so we could do more activities outside. There is still a bit of stress as I wait to find out results of a few test, including the pathology report from my surgery. This is very important as it will show how much cancer was still left in my body after chemo. The best news I could possibly get is that my breast tumour was shrunk down to only scar tissue and that the lymph nodes that were once cancerous were now cancer-free. This is the best case scenario and what I try to visualize every night when I am laying in bed. I picture these black evil spot on my breast, under my arm in lymph nodes and in my sternum and then I imagine them getting squished, shrinking and chiseled away until they are non existent. Feel free to give it a try as well. Who knows what can happen if we all put our minds towards a common goal!

The Recovery

So far recovery seems to be going well...or so they tell me. Every nurse I talk to tells me I am doing great, though I guess usually they are dealing with women twice my age. Each day seems to be getting that much better, though it is not getting easier to be in the apartment all the time sitting and “relaxing”. Every day I get up around ten, empty out my drains that are coming out of my chest (it’s as much fun as it sounds), have a bath, have breakfast and then sit down to watch some tennis (after all this I am almost ready for a nap). Today was the first day I got out of the house. Mom, Wes and I went to a restaurant about three blocks away. It felt really good to get some fresh air and get moving. I also have to do exercises to stretch my arms and shoulders. Under my left arm they removed many lymph nodes so that is the arm has the least mobility right now. It is very frustrating to go from a very active healthy person to someone who has to do little stretches and exercises in order to regain movement in the arm. A week ago we were playing tennis and going for bike rides and now it is hard to put my arm above my head. In the next couple of days I have a few things to do for a change. Tomorrow I have to go for another test, this time to make sure everything is okay with my heart after chemo (I guess I don't have enough stress right now). As for the emotional/psychological bit I think I am doing really well. When they first took off the bandages I was so scared of my reaction, but it hasn't been as bad as I expected. Don't get me wrong it's not exactly pretty, but the fact that I have a small frame, doesn't make it look too abnormal. I think the worst part is the incision that goes pretty much from one arm pit to the other. I think being able to joke about things helps as well. Tomorrow I am expecting to get some new boobs in the mail! A nurse called me from the hospital yesterday to see what size I would like. Isn't that every woman's dream to choose her breast size?! Anyways i am off to watch some more tennis and maybe a movie before getting some rest before another stressful day tomorrow.

Surgery

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I am doing well. The surgery went well and the surgeon told me that he was really pleased with how things looked. I am pretty sore and tired but eating lots and getting lots of rest. All my "nurses" are taking good care of me. I am getting up and moving around, very slowly though. I will post again in a few days when I am hopefully moving around even better.