Surgery Yuck!

Met with the surgeon today to discuss my surgery options. He was extremely positive and helped to make me feel very confident about my decisions. So my decision is that I will be having a bilateral mastectomy. That means that he will be removing my cancerous breast and some lymph nodes around it, and also removing my right healthy breast. This was what I was leaning towards and then after meeting with Dr. Austen today and hearing his advice I have decided to go for it. With my family history of cancer this will give me one less thing to worry about. It looks like the surgery will take place in about a month, as they need to wait at least 4 weeks after my last chemo treatment. Dr. Austen said that physically the surgery is not difficult. Very little recovery time as far as surgeries go. I guess the hard part is the emotional bit. It is the removal of a part of your body, a part that is our society has a lot of emphasis and importance placed on it. I am not really sure exactly how I feel about all of this. Perhaps like everything else it will just take time to sink in. Will it be hard to get used to....for sure. I am sure it will be pretty scary and hard to get used to, but nothing can be worse than the alternative.

Not a Pretty Sight

So we are almost back in Calgary after 9 wonderful days of traveling (+ 1 not so great day). Luckily the not so great day was today...at the very end of the trip and didn't ruin any of the great times had previously. Before I tell what happened this morning I will assure everyone that I am fine and my little episode was not cancer related, but the flu. I woke up very early this morning feeling very nauseous and with a not so fun case of the runs (sorry I share all the details!) About every hour for four hours I was getting up running to the washroom and getting pretty sick. Each time after I was sick I got the sweats and then got really cold quickly. The second time I even passed out for a few seconds as I got really dizzy. I remember thinking as I was sitting in front of the toilet that I wanted to lie down, and the next thing I remember was Wes running into the bathroom having to wake me up in the tub. I don't think I fell into the tub, but I think I did hit my head on the soap dispenser while laying there. Lets just say I was not in very pretty condition when he came in. It is amazing how comfortable you have to get with someone when you are sick....they see you at your absolute worst. After being sick a few more times I decided that it would be a good plan to go to the emergency room (we were luckily staying in a hotel that night, not camping). 6 am is a great time to visit emerge as it was very quiet and empty. They got me in right away, started pumping me full of fluids and did some tests. All the tests came back good and since I have never had any really problems with chemo, the doctor was pretty sure it was just a bug (that and the fact that about 4 days ago Wes was also sick). No more kissing when he is sick:) Now it has been about 12 hours since I went to the hospital and I am feeling pretty good. My body feels pretty drained but the stomach seems to be settled. Tomorrow I have a couple of important appointments, including seeing the surgeon who first diagnosed me 3 and a half months ago. I am very interested in hearing what he has to say about my surgery options.

Vacation

It is now almost a week that I have been away from Calgary. So far it has been a great trip, some much needed time away. So far we have spent nights in Kelowna, Vancouver, Tofino (3 nights) and then tonight we are staying in Nanaimo. Tonight will be our second night in a hotel, with all other nights spent camping. Yesterday was probably our best day so far. The plan was for Wes to rent some surfing gear and then I would spend the day hanging out on the beach with my book while he tried surfing for a bit. While he shopped around for the best rental price I decided that was a very lame idea, why couldn't I go surfing too? Well the answer to that question is because of my PICC line in my arm that I can't get wet. After some careful engineering with plastic bag and a lot of duct tape (very painful to remove from the skin afterwards) I was good to go (don't tell my mom). Surfing was much harder than I had imagined. Most of the time I just jumped on my board and layed on my stomach as the wave came in and I was nowhere near able to stand up quick enough to try actual surfing....still lots of fun :)

By Wednesday night we should be back in Calgary. The thought of returning to Calgary is not a very exciting one. Back to city and back to hospitals and illness. While I am never able to forget for very long what is going on at least when I have been away there are many more distractions, many beautiful views and many more laughs. Over the last week there have also been a few tears. Wes and I have been really happy together and unfortunately feeling so happy is often quickly followed by fears. Fears that things will only get worse from here. Fears that this might be the last time I visit these places or do a certain activity. When I get really sad I am often thinking about what Wes will remember about this trip if things in our lives start to go really bad. Will he think back happily about this trip, or will it just make him sad to think of all the fun times we are having. All thoughts I don't really want to be having. At least for the next four days I am going to do my best to put all the negative thoughts away and try my best to pretend that cancer doesn't exist. Wish me luck.

Staying Positive

I have noticed a definite trend in my three week chemo cycle. About 4 days after I have chemo I get quite down and depressed. This is also the period where I am no longer taking the medications/steroids they give you after chemo. Coincidence, I think not. So now that I recognize that it is the meds that are making me feel this way, I should be able to quickly snap out of it right? I wish it was that easy, but days like today it just seems like being positive is impossible. I want to just snap out of it and put the horrible thoughts that are going through my head away, but it is very difficult when you can barely even force a smile. It has also been a difficult couple of days for the people around me. I am not always the easiest person to deal with when I am really down. Last night I made the mistake of sharing a few of my really horrible thoughts with Wes. I guess I figured that it was better to share these thoughts than just keep them to myself. Sometimes he has difficulties knowing what to do when I am this way. He is so used to telling me that I will be okay, that I am fighting, so when I get to this dark place I think he doesn't know what to do. I really wish I could always be positive, especially around him, but sometimes it feels like too much effort, but then I get worried that if I don't snap out of it around him he will decide to bail, because lets face it, it's not fun being around someone who forgets how to smile and stares at the wall for hours on end. I am going to try really hard to be happy and positive for the rest of the afternoon/evening, so the whole day is not ruined. I apologize for those of you reading this...it must be pretty depressing. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will snap out of it soon, so no worries. Also, tomorrow we are off to BC for a while. This should be really good for me, getting out of the city and all the reminders of sickness. By tomorrow night we should be in sunny Kelowna and then Vancouver by Tuesday....lots of look forward to :)

Appointments

It has been a tough couple of days. Tuesday I saw my oncologist for the first time in a couple months. My last couple of appointments she had been away and I had another doctor in her place. This appointments I prepared a long list of questions that I was looking for answers for. Unfortunately some of these answers were very difficult to hear. I am not going to repeat everything that was said, as I am just starting to get back to a more positive place. Pretty much it was just a reminder of what a terrible disease I am facing, an uphill battle. Yesterday was also chemo #5. So far I have been feeling the same as every other treatment, a bit tired, have a gross taste in my mouth and a slight headache, but nothing too hard to deal with. Oh and the other news I learned on Tuesday was that I will only be having 6 chemo treatments, so only one more to go!

Alternative Treatments

It has been a busy week. I have had a few very important appointments, once with a Naturopath and my new Radiation Oncologist. I will talk about what happened with the Radiation Oncologist tomorrow in my blog, as I also see my Medical Oncologist tomorrow and have a few things to discuss with her and then might have some decisions to make. I will fill everyone in tomorrow once I have a clearer picture of things. For today I thought I would talk about my appointment with the Naturopath. I find that I am often very skeptical of these types of things so I tried to go to my appointment with an open mind. This doctor was recommended to me by a new friend who started seeing him after her own diagnosis. When I met with Dr. Matt I had already done some research on some of the alternative treatments that my friend had mentioned and went not really knowing what to expect. What I came out of the appointment with was a bit more optimism and lots of information. Dr. Matt sat down with me for over an hour and a half (my appointment was only for an hour). He explained to me what was happening in my body and what was happening with my healthy and cancerous cells. He went through each of the chemo drugs I am taking and discussed them in detail, what they are doing, how long they stay in my body and things that I should avoid when I am on each drug. He also discussed the different treatments they do and what these treatments should do to my cells and my immune system. He was very "real" and didn't seem to be trying to sell me anything. We also discussed the health care system and cancer treatment in Alberta and just talked about some of the positives and negatives. He also told me about some of the cancer treatments that are being done in other countries, often very different from what is done here in Canada. He listened to my concerns and answered all my questions. After leaving his office I felt quite positive. I have done some research on some of the things he suggested and also discussed them with my new oncologist. The doctor was not against any of these therapies and I have decided that I think I will go ahead with some of the things he suggested. I guess I feel like if it isn't going to interfere with my conventional treatment it can't hurt. Some of these treatments are quite expensive, but even if they help a little bit then it will be worth it, and who knows what could happen. Some of the treatments we discussed are mistletoe injections, receiving high doses of vitamin C intravenously, and changing diet. The best thing I got out of this appointment was a bit of control. cancer leaves you feeling helpless like things are completely out of your hands, so it is very uplifting to be told that there are things that I can do that can help fight this disease... I am not helpless with my life in others hands.

I Know Nothing

In the next week I have many important appointments. This is good as I hope that I will finally get some information on "the plan". People keep asking me what is going to happen next, when I will be done chemo, and my answer is always the same, I have no idea. The last time I talked with my oncologist was almost 2 months ago....very frustrating that they get holidays too :) and I was told that I would be getting 6-8 rounds of chemo, and also radiation and surgery was a big question mark. Now that I am approaching chemo #5 I am getting more anxious to find out if this will be my second last or if I am only half done. I will see my oncologist on Tuesday and then I am also meeting with my new radiation oncologist this Friday for a consultation. Perhaps she has been given information from my medical oncologist that I am not aware of, so hopefully I will find out lots of stuff. I have already prepared a long list of questions for each of my appointments. This Friday I am also going to see a Naturopath. I had a new friend recommend this doctor so I am going just to find out about the alternative treatments that are available. I think it will be good just to listen to his ideas and advice and see what is out there. Luckily with my appointments next week I will be able to talk to my doctor about any alternative therapies he recommends, before I start doing anything.

Kids/Family

With all the crazy stuff that has been happening in the last few months I have been trying not too think too much about things I can't control about my future. When I was first diagnosed I was told by the doctor to make a list of questions that I wanted to ask him for my next appointment. One of the first questions I thought of was "Will I be able to have children?". When I asked this question the response I got was that after I was finished with chemo and radiation I should get my period back because I am so young. A little bit of research I have done has made me question this a bit. I have read that this is not the case with all women, some go into menopause because of their treatments and don't come out of it. This all depends on the type of cancer and treatment as well. The type of cancer that I have is hormone negative, which means it is not being fed by hormones. Usually if you are hormone positive you will continue taking a estrogen blocker for up to five years after you are done treatment. Since I am negative, and since I have still been getting my period after four chemo treatments it is likely that physically I would be able to have children. The other factor though is whether I will ever be cancer free completely. I was told that if everything went well I could potentially be "cured". But this is the absolute best case scenario. There is a chance that after this is all over I will still have cancer cells in my body that I will have to live with. People can live a long time with cancer in their body as long as it is not aggressive/growing. If this is the case I am sure that having a family would not be possible. There are many women who have had cancer and then had a family, the reality is though that most of these women did not have cancer that is as advanced as mine.

A couple of weeks ago I met a woman who was only a few years older than I am. She had finished her treatment two years ago and was very pregnant when we met. I asked her what the doctors had said about her becoming pregnant. She said that one doctor had cautioned her against it for "moral" reasons. This really made me think. Is it morally irresponsible to have a baby if there is a strong chance that cancer will reoccur and you might not live to see your child grow up? These are not questions I ever really envisioned myself thinking about even a few short months ago.

Weekend Away

It was so nice to get out of the city. This was the first weekend I have been away since I became "sick". The May long weekend we tried to go away but after a bit of a panic attack we decided to turn around. This long weekend not only did we make it out of the city, but we had a great, relaxing time even with not so wonderful weather. We ended up about 45 minutes west of Fernie B.C, camping for two nights. Steve, Wes and I went and met up with a bunch of people Wes knows from Fernie. Food was great, got lots of sleep, and enjoyed the fresh air. While I never was able to forget about everything that is going on in my life, I feel like this weekend I had a sort of strange acceptance of it. I am sure that everyone who was camping with us knew what was going on, though it wasn't really talked about. I felt like I was for the first time able to be myself...but just a little bit of a different version. I could think about everything that had happened in the last 10 weeks, not get upset and almost feel like I could accept it. I was worried that coming back the city might make things harder...back to reality. So far, having been home for a couple of hours it hasn't been too bad, reality is sinking in a bit more, though it hasn't really upset me. I think one valuable lesson learned this weekend is the importance of still getting out and living. I can't let cancer stop me from doing all the things I really enjoy. I can't just tell myself that after I get better I will go back to being me....I can be me right now, just a slightly different version.