Get This Shit Out of Me!

So Friday is the big day. Perhaps this may sound a little strange but I really haven't given it too much thought. I realize that the time is coming very quickly where I am going to have to think about it. Tomorrow will be the day where I find out the time to be at the hospital and start getting ready some of the things I will need to take with me. When people ask me if I am mentally prepared for what is going to happen my response is that I know what is going to happen, but I don't think you can really do much preparation mentally beforehand. In my mind my breasts are such a small and insignificant part of my body and who I am, that I really don't think it will be a big deal. I am almost excited to get it over with and move on. Chemo...check, surgery...almost check, and then only radiation left. Don't get me wrong, I get that it will be hard, and I will probably feel pretty rotten for a few weeks, but am I going to be traumatized, no. Some people who are reading this might be surprised by how lightly I seem to be taking this, but I just want them gone! A cancer diagnosis very quickly makes you realize what is important in life, and boobs have very little importance....especially when life itself is what is being threatened.

On another note I just thought I would gush a little bit about how great Wes is still being. First he has to get used to kissing a girl who has no hair...and next it will be a girl with no boobs. Whenever I bring it up I tell him that I can understand that it will be an adjustment for him too he say "it won't make any difference". He is also saying that he wants to help change my dressings and can help with my drainage tubes...SEXY stuff! I know it might actually be difficult for him when the time comes but I truly believe that he will be okay with everything as the only thing he wants out of all this is ME and a HEALTHY ME. He is the least superficial person I know, so I think very early on I won't have a problem showing him my new flat and scarred up chest. Time will tell as it gets a little bit closer and after the big day. Will try to keep ya posted in the days to come.

cancer posse

Taking the advice of a few wise individuals I have created a cancer posse for myself. By this I just mean a group of fellow cancer survivors that offer one another mutual support. Some of these people I have met online through YACC and have yet to meet face to face, while others I have been introduced to through others, and also through support groups and dinners I have attended. These are all people who "get it". They know and share my fears, as they too have ridden a similar roller coaster, and many of them are still riding and fighting. While I have only known some of these people for a short time there is a huge connection and they are some of the bravest people I know. Today my heart is aching for three such friends. There is my inspiration from afar who is gearing up fight breast cancer for the third time, the fighting tiger who is recovering from her mastectomy, and the young father who is about to start radiation and waiting for test results to make sure things haven't spread. I find I have been in my head a lot the last couple of days thinking of these people, thinking about their battles and also about mine. The more people I meet and the more stories that are shared the more I hate this disease. How dare it threaten such amazing and beautiful people who have so much to offer to others and who already do so much for others. I hope you all can take the cancer that is inside of you and kick the crap out of it! Show no mercy!

cancer date

Since my diagnosis I have been lucky to meet many amazing cancer survivors. It is a little bit strange how when people find out about your situation they want to "hook you up" with someone else they know who also has cancer. I have met a few people this way now. I joke that it is almost like going on a blind date. You have been told about the person and they have probably been told about you, but neither person knows what the other looks like or really what to expect. Today I met up for coffee with Alyson, an awesome girl who I met through my naturopath. Alyson and I sat and chatted for about two hours this afternoon at a coffee shop. Alyson was diagnosed over a year ago with brain cancer, an incurable form that has a 99% rate of reoccurrence. Like myself, it is almost impossible to tell that Alyson is "sick". She is so cheerful and very honest and open about her challenges. We talked about so many aspects of this disease, and about what it is like to live with something that you are told is incurable (or very likely incurable). We also talked a lot about positivity and how there are only certain people you can share ALL your thoughts with. Sometimes I have found that it is good to talk about everything that is going through my brain, even the really bad stuff. I don't think just talking about it means that I am not being positive, it's just putting it out there and maybe getting out of my just my head. Sometimes this can be a little scary for others and I get this, but sometimes putting it out there makes it seem less scary. It has been really nice to meet others who truly understand what it is like and have probably shared the exact same thoughts that I sometimes have.

Quick Update

Just writing a quick update to let everyone know that all was fine with my CT scan. Just when I was complaining that no one seems to care about leaving you waiting for results for a week I get a call from my doctor in the evening to let me know that it was fine. She said my headaches are probably just stress related....very likely. It was very nice of her to call and help to reduce some of the stress.

Busy Week

So I haven't posted in quite a while....it's been a very hectic week. On the non-medical side I went away for an extended weekend with a great group of friends. We headed to Kelowna on Thursday night and came back to Calgary Sunday night. The weekend was great, very relaxing. Lots of great food, sun, company and a little bit of wine. It was really good to get out of the city again. I felt like I could be somewhat normal, and with my new hair (I broke down and bought a wig even though I said I never would) I felt like I looked like a normal person.

So far this week has started off quite busy too. I went into the school yesterday to say hello to some teacher friends who are actually back in the classroom today with the kids. At first it was really nice to visit, but by the end I found it really hard as I watched all the other teacher rush around to get ready for the first day of school, exactly what I was doing last year and what I would be doing now if all this hadn`t happened.

Last night we got the keys to our new place and began to move in. With my brother`s wonderful help we moved all our furniture and big stuff last night and then today I have been making small trips back and forth with my car getting all the smaller stuff. It is really nice to feel like I have a fresh start in a new place, that doesn`t hold all the reminders of the first few months with cancer.

I am very happy that I have had a busy week with all this stuff as there has also been a few things going on with my illness that have me appreciating distractions. About a month ago I started having very mild headaches. At first I really didn`t think anything of it as so many chemicals and medications have been pumped into my body lately who knows what kind of side effects could happen. Well at my last oncologist appointment I mentioned this to the doctor. She didn`t appear to be worried but said that I could go for a CT scan of my head just to rule something serious out. It has really freaked me out that she thinks there is a possibility that there could also be something in my head. So on Wednesday of last week Steve and I went to Canmore for this scan. Yesterday I called the doctors office as I had heard nothing and said that I was really worried and was hoping they could give me the results ASAP so I could stop worrying. They gave me an appointment for next Tuesday....grrrrrrr!!!! I guess they can`t tell you anything over the phone, but it is so frustrating that they totally seem to disregard the emotional or stress side of having cancer. Do you know what it is like to wait for two weeks to find out if the cancer has spread more than originally thought? Please don`t worry too much those of you reading this, my headaches are almost non-existent and I am told it is very unlikely, I am just a bit of a worry-wart so I tell the doctor every little thing that I feel. Also, I finally got a call yesterday (after a bit of harassment) to let me know that I am scheduled for surgery on Friday September 3rd. This is good, as the 1st was the earliest possible day I was eligible for surgery, so they are making sure all my treatments have a very small gap in between. I am not too worried about surgery yet, and hopefully won`t be. I just want to get it over with so that I can move on an adjust. I know it will be hard but there are a lot worse things in life, so lets just get it over with!

My Goal

So today I did some thinking about some things I would like to do/accomplish after I am done treatments. I already know that I want to return to work as soon as I can, though probably not as a full time classroom teacher right away. Another goal I have set for myself is to attend a cancer survivor conference in November. If everything goes according to plan I will attend this conference very soon after finishing radiation. The conference is being held in St. John's Nfld. the first weekend of November and is put on by a great organization: Young Adult Cancer Canada. I have set myself a goal of raising $500, some of which would go to funding my attending the conference and the rest would go to YACC itself and its awesome programs for young adults like myself (yes this post is also an advertisement, shameless I know).

When I think about attending this conference it makes me both excited and scared. I am excited because I will get to meet many of the people I have been emailing with for months. I contacted YACC very soon after my diagnosis and they put me in contact with some great people, who have been able to offer me advice during some of my darkest times. I am a bit scared as well, and when I think about why it is a bit embarrassing. I used to feel so independent and strong and now the thought of traveling across the country by myself to spend 4 days with people I have never met is quite scary. I have become a bit of a "chicken" but hopefully going to this conference will cure me of this fear. Hopefully this conference will be something of a celebration for me...being done with my treatments, reaching out to connect with others who have shared this battle.

If anyone would like to donate to this cause in any way please check out this link:

http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?SID=2684020

Chemo Brain

So the worst side effect of chemo has to be "chemo brain". I would say that I only started feeling it about 2 or 3 weeks ago, and since my last chemo treatment on Wednesday "chemo brain" has taken over. It is really a difficult feeling to describe. It is incredibly hard to focus on anything around me, and you spend long periods of time staring at walls, not even really realizing it. The expressions "space cadet", "out to lunch", "nobody's home" seem to fit. It is almost like something else has taken over your brain and I'm not really in my body anymore. Okay, when I read this back it sounds very strange and probably makes no sense to anyone else. Chemo is bad enough that it messes with all kinds of healthy cells in your body, it really sucks that it messes with your head so much too. You go from feeling like an intelligent person to questioning whether or not your are even capable of carrying on a normal conversation. As far as chemo brain goes I think today will be the worst day, as it is the first day I have been off my post-chemo medications. Hopefully as the days go on I will be able to focus a little more and not feel so drugged up all the time.

Moving

I am not sure who all I have told about this, but Wes and I will be moving in together at the end of this month. I have spent the last few days looking ad apartment postings and then last night we saw three different apartments. The first two seemed quite old and not very well taken care of. The last place we saw was really nice. It is a two bedroom, almost a thousand square feet and is very clean, with great appliances and a washer and drying in the condo. It is also really nice that it is in condo complex, so most of the condos are lived in by owners...usually better taken care of. We are going back tonight to finalize everything. We are also thinking of asking if we can move in before September 1st...maybe a week or two early, since the condo is already vacant.

If someone had told me months ago that we would move in together this early I would have said they were crazy. We have now been dating for about 5 months...not very long at all! I previously considered myself a very cautious person when it comes to relationships. So what has changed...well I guess everything. I just want to be happy, and I know Wes makes me happy. I don't really feel the need to be so cautious anymore. Time to just go for it!

The End of Chemo

This Wednesday will be chemo #6...my final chemo. Every time I tell people that it is the final one they say I must be really excited, but for some reason I'm not really feeling it. Perhaps it is because there is still so much else that has to be done (surgery and then radiation) so I'm not really feeling like this is the end of treatment. Also it could be because I still have to deal with having chemo one more time and this sucks. I know that by Sunday and Monday I will be back to laying on the couch staring at walls. I now recognize what these chemicals are doing to my head and how usually I have to put up with a few days of being depressed. The other reason I don't really feel excited to be almost finished chemo is because the thought of it being finished really scares me. Before I knew I had cancer my body was doing a pretty crappy job of protecting itself against these evil cells (even though I felt so healthy!). With the help of the chemo drugs it has been able to fight it off, though not all of it (this is what the radiation is for...cleaning up the leftovers). But I am worried about how things will go when it is back to just my body doing the fighting. A couple of cancer survivors have told me that while I am on chemo it is almost like you can relax, as you know things aren't getting worse, you are safe for a little while. After chemo is over I am no longer safe. It is then test time for my body....can it stand up for itself this time, or does it do what it did before, and let the cancer call all the shots. I am not really sure what happens if these treatments aren't enough. I am sure there is more chemo that can be taken, but this can only happen for so long, eventually it will be up to my own body to either do the work, or else.