So yesterday was probably the scariest day of my life...but the scary part was over very quickly. I had an appointment with my oncologist to get the results of my CAT scan and bone scan. I laid awake the night before stressing about whether or not the cancer had spread anywhere else, and how I would handle sitting there listening to the news. Well the news ended up being good. I knew that there had been some spreading to my sternum, where I had been having a bit of pain, but other than that nothing had spread. The other good news was that it looks like I only have two lymph nodes affected under my arm. Wow, finally some good news...I was beginning to wonder if good news existed anymore.
So it looks like I keep going on the course I am on. 6-8 rounds of chemotherapy (once every 3 weeks) then surgery if everything is going well and then radiation...which the doctor is confident will also be able to take care of the spot on my sternum. While this news was amazing...it did keep hitting me that I still do have cancer and that this is a long road ahead of me with no guarantees.
Today I feel great...I feel excited about life and like I can appreciate everything so much more! Tomorrow is head shaving day :) I am surprisingly excited about this....but there might be a few tears as well.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
A Low
Yesterday was not a good day. I had a bone scan yesterday and made the mistake of asking the technician if it was normal to be taking so many pictures of my chest. She said there was some concern about my sternum...and asked if I had been having any pain there...which I have. I am hoping this is rock bottom....I have breast cancer with has spread to my lymph nodes and now apparently is also in my bones. I just hope and pray that it has not also spread to my lungs and liver.
Waiting for these test results is agonizing. At times I think it will be so bad, and in a couple days they will tell me that I am screwed....but I need to be positive. It is just so hard to be positive when you have gotten all this news dumped on you in the last week and feel like a completely healthy person. I think about what it will be like to die, but more so what it will be like for my family and friends. But I know that I can't give up...I want them to give me everything they've got. It's going to be a very long road ahead of me but I have to do this...I have so much to live for.
Waiting for these test results is agonizing. At times I think it will be so bad, and in a couple days they will tell me that I am screwed....but I need to be positive. It is just so hard to be positive when you have gotten all this news dumped on you in the last week and feel like a completely healthy person. I think about what it will be like to die, but more so what it will be like for my family and friends. But I know that I can't give up...I want them to give me everything they've got. It's going to be a very long road ahead of me but I have to do this...I have so much to live for.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A Mix of Emotions
Today is chemo day. The idea of having chemo is not really scaring me at all...maybe this is strange. I think I have come to terms with the fact that my hair will all fall out and I will also have to look like a sick person for a while. I feel like this is the least of my worries. When I wake up in the middle of the night scared I'm only worried about one thing. What if things have spread further? What if I find out next week that I have cancer all over my body and there is very little that can be done? These are the really bad thoughts that I have...the ones that I try to put away as quickly as possible. People keep saying that I just have to be positive and I really do try to do this as much as I can, but there are just those times when the thoughts are impossible to put away.
Strangely enough there have been times in the last few days where I have been extremely happy. Prior to finding out that I have cancer I had been spending a lot of time with Wes. We were doing lots: going on weekend ski getaways, sports, just spending a lot of time together. I knew that I had pretty strong feelings for him and it was scaring me just how much time I wanted to spend with him. Since the diagnosis I have come to realize just how amazing he really is and how much I love him. He is constantly trying to distract me and seems to tell when I need this and when I just need to talk about what is going on. Since Wednesday he has spent every night with me, sitting up with me when I can't sleep and trying to make me laugh. I feel extremely lucky to have found him, but so scared that I'm not supposed to feel this happy and won't get to for long. I'm not sure how this would be going if I had never met him. I feel like I have something so good here to live for, and being in love is a huge distraction from this nightmare.
Strangely enough there have been times in the last few days where I have been extremely happy. Prior to finding out that I have cancer I had been spending a lot of time with Wes. We were doing lots: going on weekend ski getaways, sports, just spending a lot of time together. I knew that I had pretty strong feelings for him and it was scaring me just how much time I wanted to spend with him. Since the diagnosis I have come to realize just how amazing he really is and how much I love him. He is constantly trying to distract me and seems to tell when I need this and when I just need to talk about what is going on. Since Wednesday he has spent every night with me, sitting up with me when I can't sleep and trying to make me laugh. I feel extremely lucky to have found him, but so scared that I'm not supposed to feel this happy and won't get to for long. I'm not sure how this would be going if I had never met him. I feel like I have something so good here to live for, and being in love is a huge distraction from this nightmare.
Sunday, April 18, 2010
Sinking In
I can't begin to to explain everything that has been happening in the last three days. It has been like the craziest roller coaster imaginable. Are things sinking in? Has it hit me? I think so, but then I stop thinking about it for two seconds and it has to hit me all over again. When I wake up in the middle of the night it takes a minute to realize that all this has not been a dream.
On Friday I had two very important appointments. One was with Dr. Austen, my surgeon. Previously I had thought that I would be having surgery ASAP to remove to get this tumor out of me. This had been a scary thought because there were choices to be made. Was he just going to remove the tumor, or my whole breast? Friday I found out that surgery was not going to happen right away. Dr. Austen said in 14 years of dealing with breast cancer he has never seen something grow this quickly... wow, not really what you want to be special for. So as a result I am going to have chemotherapy first and then surgery after the tumor has been shrunk. Dr. Austen was amazing. He made both me and my mom feel much better. He even gave me his personal cell number and told me to call him any time, day or night if I had any questions or just needed to talk. My appointment with the oncologist was next to talk about chemotherapy. This appointment was very scary. I have cancer in my breast, but it has also spread to my lymph nodes. I have to have a bone scan and CAT scan to see if it has spread any further. Dr. Walley said that if it is just in these two areas the chemotherapy is treatment to cure the cancer, but if it has spread anywhere else the chemotherapy will not be to cure....but to stop the spread and prolong my life as much as possible. Even if it has spread people can live for years....but this is what scares me more than anything. Every little pain or aching joint I feel scares me.... The fact that I probably won't know if it has spread for 10 more days also scares me. How am I supposed to get through each day and especially each night not knowing this? I guess the answer is that I will just have to. So, Tuesday I start chemotherapy. This is starting so fast, which I guess is good, but also frightening as they must be very worried.
So that is the physical stuff. Mentally I feel like I am also on a roller coaster. I go from being extremely positive where I feel like I can do this and am almost excited at the idea of kicking this things ass, to being depressed and having no idea how I'm going to get through this. I guess these mood swings are normal, I am just hoping that as time passes I will have more high times and fewer lows.
In the last 3-4 days since I have found out I have never been alone. Last night I tried to lie in bed alone and couldn't, it was too scary to be alone with only my thoughts. So I think I am leaning heavily on the people who are here to support me. Things that are helping me through this are friends and family who have been helping to distract me in numerous ways. Also talking about this has helped a lot. Being able to tell people what I am feeling and what I am scared about is hugely therapeutic (even expressing some of the worst thoughts imaginable). Also, finding things that I can control has been good. Yesterday we bought a juicer and I'm going to start a new diet, eating only foods that will make my body stronger and better able to fight. Green vegetable smoothies here I come!
I continue to be amazed by the people around me. Wes - how does a guy who has only been dating a girl for 6 weeks decide that he wants to take care of her no matter how difficult it gets. Not only has he made me feel so much better I think it has been good for my mom to see how much he cares about me and how I do have amazing people here to support me. I continue to be in awe of my mom. She was dealing with this herself such a short time ago. How can she be so strong now that her daughter is going through the same thing?
I am sure the next few days will bring many more changes. I hope that I can maintain a positive attitude and I am going to try so hard to not dwell on all the things that I have no control over.
On Friday I had two very important appointments. One was with Dr. Austen, my surgeon. Previously I had thought that I would be having surgery ASAP to remove to get this tumor out of me. This had been a scary thought because there were choices to be made. Was he just going to remove the tumor, or my whole breast? Friday I found out that surgery was not going to happen right away. Dr. Austen said in 14 years of dealing with breast cancer he has never seen something grow this quickly... wow, not really what you want to be special for. So as a result I am going to have chemotherapy first and then surgery after the tumor has been shrunk. Dr. Austen was amazing. He made both me and my mom feel much better. He even gave me his personal cell number and told me to call him any time, day or night if I had any questions or just needed to talk. My appointment with the oncologist was next to talk about chemotherapy. This appointment was very scary. I have cancer in my breast, but it has also spread to my lymph nodes. I have to have a bone scan and CAT scan to see if it has spread any further. Dr. Walley said that if it is just in these two areas the chemotherapy is treatment to cure the cancer, but if it has spread anywhere else the chemotherapy will not be to cure....but to stop the spread and prolong my life as much as possible. Even if it has spread people can live for years....but this is what scares me more than anything. Every little pain or aching joint I feel scares me.... The fact that I probably won't know if it has spread for 10 more days also scares me. How am I supposed to get through each day and especially each night not knowing this? I guess the answer is that I will just have to. So, Tuesday I start chemotherapy. This is starting so fast, which I guess is good, but also frightening as they must be very worried.
So that is the physical stuff. Mentally I feel like I am also on a roller coaster. I go from being extremely positive where I feel like I can do this and am almost excited at the idea of kicking this things ass, to being depressed and having no idea how I'm going to get through this. I guess these mood swings are normal, I am just hoping that as time passes I will have more high times and fewer lows.
In the last 3-4 days since I have found out I have never been alone. Last night I tried to lie in bed alone and couldn't, it was too scary to be alone with only my thoughts. So I think I am leaning heavily on the people who are here to support me. Things that are helping me through this are friends and family who have been helping to distract me in numerous ways. Also talking about this has helped a lot. Being able to tell people what I am feeling and what I am scared about is hugely therapeutic (even expressing some of the worst thoughts imaginable). Also, finding things that I can control has been good. Yesterday we bought a juicer and I'm going to start a new diet, eating only foods that will make my body stronger and better able to fight. Green vegetable smoothies here I come!
I continue to be amazed by the people around me. Wes - how does a guy who has only been dating a girl for 6 weeks decide that he wants to take care of her no matter how difficult it gets. Not only has he made me feel so much better I think it has been good for my mom to see how much he cares about me and how I do have amazing people here to support me. I continue to be in awe of my mom. She was dealing with this herself such a short time ago. How can she be so strong now that her daughter is going through the same thing?
I am sure the next few days will bring many more changes. I hope that I can maintain a positive attitude and I am going to try so hard to not dwell on all the things that I have no control over.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
The Shock
Yesterday I was told that I have breast cancer. You always wonder how you would react at that exact moment when those words are spoken "it's cancer". My first thought was that this is a pretty shitty joke for this doctor to be making. After a couple seconds and just looking at his face I knew that it wasn't a joke. Never in a million years did I think this would happen to me at the age of 27. With my mother being diagnosed less than a year ago with ovarian cancer I guess I knew that there was a high likelihood that someday I might go through something similar....maybe in my 50's as well.....not in my 20's.
I found a lump in my breast back in November. I was stupid and didn't get it checked out until January. When I got it checked out they informed me it is very common for women my age to have lumps or cysts in their breasts. The doctor thought it was nothing really to worry about, but if I wanted I could have an ultrasound to confirm. I said I wanted the ultrasound. After the ultrasound I went back to the doctor. She told me the results were that it was something called a fibroid...nothing serious to worry about. She said I should have it checked out in another 6 months. She also said that if I wanted she could refer me to a specialist just to confirm. I said I wanted to see the specialist anyways. When I met with Dr. Austen at the Breast Clinic at the Foothills Hospital he said the same thing...it was a fibroid but I had options. I could have it removed if it was bothering me, we could just monitor it to see if it changes or I could have a biopsy just to know exactly what it was. I opted to have a biopsy so that I could be completely certain. Yesterday was the day I got the biopsy results. Dr. Austen and the nurse said they were shocked. They had never thought it was cancer for a minute. I am not angry that everyone told me it was nothing...I guess you just never know. But I am very thankful that I didn't just take everyone's word that it was nothing...as clearly it is not.
When I was sitting in the doctor's office for a moment it hit me that I have no family in Calgary....essentially I am alone. In the past 24 hours I have realized that I am nowhere close to being alone. I have only told a couple people but the support that I feel and have is amazing. I realize that I have some amazing friends in my life...I hope they all know how amazing they are. One of the hardest things was calling and telling my mom. She has just gone back to work after her ordeal and I didn't know how she would deal with this happening to her daughter as well. Within 12 hours she was on a plane from Toronto to Calgary. I know that I am so lucky to have her, as well as all the other amazing and supportive people that I have in my life. I knew I had good friends but I really had no idea just how amazing they really are.
Tomorrow I go back to see Dr. Austen at the breast clinic. I really know nothing about this cancer and tomorrow is the day I find out more details and hear what my options are. I guess I am scared, probably I am still in shock, but for some reason I feel good about all this. I want to live...I will not let vanity or anything else stand in my way of doing anything that is necessary and will save my life. I can do this.
I found a lump in my breast back in November. I was stupid and didn't get it checked out until January. When I got it checked out they informed me it is very common for women my age to have lumps or cysts in their breasts. The doctor thought it was nothing really to worry about, but if I wanted I could have an ultrasound to confirm. I said I wanted the ultrasound. After the ultrasound I went back to the doctor. She told me the results were that it was something called a fibroid...nothing serious to worry about. She said I should have it checked out in another 6 months. She also said that if I wanted she could refer me to a specialist just to confirm. I said I wanted to see the specialist anyways. When I met with Dr. Austen at the Breast Clinic at the Foothills Hospital he said the same thing...it was a fibroid but I had options. I could have it removed if it was bothering me, we could just monitor it to see if it changes or I could have a biopsy just to know exactly what it was. I opted to have a biopsy so that I could be completely certain. Yesterday was the day I got the biopsy results. Dr. Austen and the nurse said they were shocked. They had never thought it was cancer for a minute. I am not angry that everyone told me it was nothing...I guess you just never know. But I am very thankful that I didn't just take everyone's word that it was nothing...as clearly it is not.
When I was sitting in the doctor's office for a moment it hit me that I have no family in Calgary....essentially I am alone. In the past 24 hours I have realized that I am nowhere close to being alone. I have only told a couple people but the support that I feel and have is amazing. I realize that I have some amazing friends in my life...I hope they all know how amazing they are. One of the hardest things was calling and telling my mom. She has just gone back to work after her ordeal and I didn't know how she would deal with this happening to her daughter as well. Within 12 hours she was on a plane from Toronto to Calgary. I know that I am so lucky to have her, as well as all the other amazing and supportive people that I have in my life. I knew I had good friends but I really had no idea just how amazing they really are.
Tomorrow I go back to see Dr. Austen at the breast clinic. I really know nothing about this cancer and tomorrow is the day I find out more details and hear what my options are. I guess I am scared, probably I am still in shock, but for some reason I feel good about all this. I want to live...I will not let vanity or anything else stand in my way of doing anything that is necessary and will save my life. I can do this.
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