Sinking In

I can't begin to to explain everything that has been happening in the last three days. It has been like the craziest roller coaster imaginable. Are things sinking in? Has it hit me? I think so, but then I stop thinking about it for two seconds and it has to hit me all over again. When I wake up in the middle of the night it takes a minute to realize that all this has not been a dream.

On Friday I had two very important appointments. One was with Dr. Austen, my surgeon. Previously I had thought that I would be having surgery ASAP to remove to get this tumor out of me. This had been a scary thought because there were choices to be made. Was he just going to remove the tumor, or my whole breast? Friday I found out that surgery was not going to happen right away. Dr. Austen said in 14 years of dealing with breast cancer he has never seen something grow this quickly... wow, not really what you want to be special for. So as a result I am going to have chemotherapy first and then surgery after the tumor has been shrunk. Dr. Austen was amazing. He made both me and my mom feel much better. He even gave me his personal cell number and told me to call him any time, day or night if I had any questions or just needed to talk. My appointment with the oncologist was next to talk about chemotherapy. This appointment was very scary. I have cancer in my breast, but it has also spread to my lymph nodes. I have to have a bone scan and CAT scan to see if it has spread any further. Dr. Walley said that if it is just in these two areas the chemotherapy is treatment to cure the cancer, but if it has spread anywhere else the chemotherapy will not be to cure....but to stop the spread and prolong my life as much as possible. Even if it has spread people can live for years....but this is what scares me more than anything. Every little pain or aching joint I feel scares me.... The fact that I probably won't know if it has spread for 10 more days also scares me. How am I supposed to get through each day and especially each night not knowing this? I guess the answer is that I will just have to. So, Tuesday I start chemotherapy. This is starting so fast, which I guess is good, but also frightening as they must be very worried.

So that is the physical stuff. Mentally I feel like I am also on a roller coaster. I go from being extremely positive where I feel like I can do this and am almost excited at the idea of kicking this things ass, to being depressed and having no idea how I'm going to get through this. I guess these mood swings are normal, I am just hoping that as time passes I will have more high times and fewer lows.

In the last 3-4 days since I have found out I have never been alone. Last night I tried to lie in bed alone and couldn't, it was too scary to be alone with only my thoughts. So I think I am leaning heavily on the people who are here to support me. Things that are helping me through this are friends and family who have been helping to distract me in numerous ways. Also talking about this has helped a lot. Being able to tell people what I am feeling and what I am scared about is hugely therapeutic (even expressing some of the worst thoughts imaginable). Also, finding things that I can control has been good. Yesterday we bought a juicer and I'm going to start a new diet, eating only foods that will make my body stronger and better able to fight. Green vegetable smoothies here I come!

I continue to be amazed by the people around me. Wes - how does a guy who has only been dating a girl for 6 weeks decide that he wants to take care of her no matter how difficult it gets. Not only has he made me feel so much better I think it has been good for my mom to see how much he cares about me and how I do have amazing people here to support me. I continue to be in awe of my mom. She was dealing with this herself such a short time ago. How can she be so strong now that her daughter is going through the same thing?

I am sure the next few days will bring many more changes. I hope that I can maintain a positive attitude and I am going to try so hard to not dwell on all the things that I have no control over.