Today is chemo day. The idea of having chemo is not really scaring me at all...maybe this is strange. I think I have come to terms with the fact that my hair will all fall out and I will also have to look like a sick person for a while. I feel like this is the least of my worries. When I wake up in the middle of the night scared I'm only worried about one thing. What if things have spread further? What if I find out next week that I have cancer all over my body and there is very little that can be done? These are the really bad thoughts that I have...the ones that I try to put away as quickly as possible. People keep saying that I just have to be positive and I really do try to do this as much as I can, but there are just those times when the thoughts are impossible to put away.
Strangely enough there have been times in the last few days where I have been extremely happy. Prior to finding out that I have cancer I had been spending a lot of time with Wes. We were doing lots: going on weekend ski getaways, sports, just spending a lot of time together. I knew that I had pretty strong feelings for him and it was scaring me just how much time I wanted to spend with him. Since the diagnosis I have come to realize just how amazing he really is and how much I love him. He is constantly trying to distract me and seems to tell when I need this and when I just need to talk about what is going on. Since Wednesday he has spent every night with me, sitting up with me when I can't sleep and trying to make me laugh. I feel extremely lucky to have found him, but so scared that I'm not supposed to feel this happy and won't get to for long. I'm not sure how this would be going if I had never met him. I feel like I have something so good here to live for, and being in love is a huge distraction from this nightmare.
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