The Coming Week

As far as the weeks go, this week would be considered a busy one. It is chemo week. How exciting! This will be my third treatment...out of either six or eight. While chemo is only a couple of hours on Wednesday it seems like there is lots to do to get ready. Tuesday I have my pre-chemo blood work and oncologist check up. I feel a bit nervous about these, which I wasn't at all last time. Last blood work my white blood cell count was borderline....meaning they almost didn't give me chemo on my scheduled day. Worst case scenario I might have to wait a couple extra days to get my treatment. While this doesn't sound like much it would be a huge let-down. I kinda psych myself up for treatment and strangely enough almost look forward to the day. It is one more treatment I can check off my calendar and I feel like when I am receiving this lovely cocktail of poison I am safer...the cancer is being fought...something is being done other than just waiting. The other reason I am a bit nervous is because this time I have had some side effects, whereas after treatment #1 I had nothing really to report to the doctor. This time I have felt some aches and pains throughout my body and my stomach seems to be always churning (I am sure these are completely normal but in my lowest moments I can convince myself that they are bad signs). Also to get ready for Wednesday I need to make sure my refrigerator is well stocked, my prescriptions have been picked up and all the little loose ends that I have been putting off have been tied up. Oh ya and on Friday I am going to see a therapist! How exciting! I made the call last week after my roller coaster kept refusing to go up the next hill (maybe that only makes sense to me :) So far I have been doing lots to help my body heal and fight, it is time to do a little work on my mind...the part of me that has been suffering and struggling the most with all of this.

The Weekend

DISCLAIMER - I usually try not to be negative in my posts and write about the really bad days because those are better forgotten, but sometimes it is difficult to avoid. Unfortunately the weekend camping trip did not happen. A few days before I started having little aches and pains in my stomach and chest. This completely freaked me out and was all I thought about day and night. I kept on getting reassured by people that this was normal, often happens with chemo, but still couldn't focus on anything else. Saturday morning after not sleeping the night before I decided that we should go camping anyways...I needed a distraction and what good would it do sitting around worrying. Wes got all of his stuff packed, packed the car and then we drove all the way to Chain Lakes (about an hour and a half from Calgary...still 2 hours away from Fernie, our destination). The whole car ride I was worried. I worried about being so far away from Calgary, so far away from the hospital. So when we got to Chain Lakes we turned the car around and headed back to Calgary. Wes was great the whole time, said it would be better to go on a weekend with promising weather anyway, but I still felt like shit. It is probably better not to share what was happening in my head the whole way home and for the rest of the afternoon. Instead when we got back I called the hospital and talked to a doctor who assured me that this was all normal, not a sign that things were getting worse. He said that since I have already seen such good results in some parts of my body the cancer is very unlikely to be spreading in others (since all the cells are the same cancer cells). He prescribed me some pills in case the pain got bad, including a sleeping pill which was much needed. Since then my mood has improved a lot, though there are still a few times where I have had to force myself to "snap out of it". Also, my brother arrived from Ontario yesterday. He drove across the country with his cat to spend at least the summer in Calgary. He can work from his company's Calgary office here, but made the decision to move here after I found out I was sick. I really am surrounded by awesome people!

My Head is Cold

So far I think I have done okay embracing my new "G.I. Jane" look. It's actually kinda nice not having to spend any time on your hair in the morning and not really caring what you look like. The one thing I am noticing though is how cold I am all the time. I guess I never really realized how much insulation hair provides. If it doesn't warm up in Calgary soon I think I might have to start sleeping with a hat! So I have found a new admiration for my bald friends and the sacrifices they are making....but I guess many of you guys don't really have a choice either:) This weekend I am going camping in Fernie. The weather is not supposed to be very good so perhaps I will need to be wearing two hats to keep warm at night. I am really looking forward to getting away and really hope that I can forget about things at least somewhat.

The Worst Part

So far I would have to say the physical side of having cancer and chemo has been a breeze. I feel no pain and the chemo side effects have been very minimal. I don't have a huge appetite and for a few days after chemo I don't have a lot of energy. The last couple days I have also started to get some heart burn which I've never had before, but nothing too serious. The only other physical side effect is the hair loss which just seems so insignificant when you think about the big picture. So by far the worst part is the emotional stuff. I don't think a minute goes by in the day where I am not thinking about it in some way. I am constantly worrying that this thing is spreading elsewhere in my body. Every tiny ache or cramp I get freaks me out, sends me into a panic. These pains are so minimal that previously I would have thought nothing of them, but now I am convincing myself that they have to do with the cancer. Maybe if I had had more physical pain this wouldn't be the case but I feel like I have no idea what is going on in my body. Since I feel so healthy but am apparently very far from that I feel like anything could be happening inside me and I would have no idea.

Insert Clever Title Here

The start of another long week....yuck! I used to dread Monday's because it meant the weekend was over and it was back to work for another week. Now I dread 5 days of very little to do while everyone else has to go to work. It is pretty sad when the most eventful part of your day is going to Shopper's Drugmart to fill the latest prescription. That was today's big activity along with making some phone calls to change appointment times and heading to Wes' place for the afternoon. I'm not too sure how I would be managing without him to entertain me. So far I have spent most of my boring days hanging out at his place on his couch while he works on his computer. It's not the most exciting way to fill the day but it sure does beat being alone. If I get sad or my mind starts to wander to places that it really shouldn't at least I have someone to distract me and make me laugh. Being alone sucks. I don't even really get upset anymore when I am alone...no crying...just thinking, which is usually not a good thing. I guess it is going to be a long few months....but hopefully things will just feel so much more amazing once all this shit is over :)

The Blahs

So it is the day after chemo #2. So far I am feeling pretty good. I ate yesterday around 3ish and have just had my first meal today at noon...some yogurt. It is amazing how my appetite just disappeared. For the last couple weeks I have been eating like crazy trying to gain some of that 10+ pounds I lost in the first week or so. I think I am now up almost 5 pounds which is a good start, but need to keep eating through this session so I don't lose it again.

I had a little bit of a mini breakdown last night. I had been doing so well and prior to yesterday's treatment had been feeling "normal" so it was easier to pretend and forget everything that was going on. Last night just the exhaustion started to hit and I briefly broke down after finishing watching a movie. I just sat and started to cry thinking about how much I wished things weren't like this....how much I wish this wasn't happening to me. After about 20 minutes of feeling sorry for myself I got a call from a coworker and this quickly snapped me out of my self pity :) After that I went to bed and got about 13 hours of good sleep! I didn't wake up until 11....I never do this!

So far I am just trying to fill my day. I have been responding to emails and guess I will go make lunch now. After that I am going to for a walk and then dinner out tonight with friends.

Chemo Day

Today was chemo day #2. For a little while I was concerned that I may not even be able to have chemo today. Yesterday I had to go for blood tests to make sure that my system was ready to be destroyed again. I guess my white blood count was lower than they like...but luckily they decided it was close enough and I could have treatment today. When I got to the clinic today they noticed that my PICC line - tube thingy in my arm - had come out a bit. They sent me for a chest x-ray to make sure it was still in a vein in my chest and then called my oncologist to see if they could still give me chemo. After a couple of hours it was decided that I was good to go....man I don't need anymore stress. Chemo itself is a fairly easy process. You sit in a chair hooked up to an IV for a few hours with nurses coming over to check on you every few minutes. You really feel nothing...just bored. Today Wes came with me and helped to entertain me. After chemo we went to Subway and I ate an entire foot long sub!!! I am trying to eat lots now because I know my appetite will be going soon. So now it has been about 3 hours since I left the hospital and I am beginning to feel quite tired and have a bit of a headache. I didn't sleep the greatest last night which could partially account for my tiredness and the fact that I have just been given some serious chemicals :) Hopefully things will go as smoothly as last time and I will be back to normal in a few more days.

Inspiration

Yesterday to fill my day I started doing some more research on breast cancer and various aspects of cancer treatment. Previously I don't think I was ready to do this as it can be a bit overwhelming and scary. While at times I found myself getting a little down reading some of the information I also found quite a few sites that picked me back up and became sources of inspiration. One of these sites is Young Adult Cancer Canada. So far I have found it somewhat difficult to find people who can relate to what I am going through. Sure many people have had cancer and know people who have, but how many have had it in their 20's. It is very strange to go the the Tom Baker Cancer Centre as a young adult...in a way you feel like a bit of a celebrity. Everyone looks at you as you walk by, sometimes they even start whispering to the person they are with...all because you are young and in everyone's mind shouldn't be going through this. So anyways back to the website. I think it is really great because you can read profiles of young people that have had cancer or have cancer. And to my surprise, there are actually others out there who have had breast cancer in their 20's....I'm not the only one! Anyways if you ever need a story of inspiration on a bad day check out this site...there are some amazing stories and people on it. Two that really hit home with me are Dawn Cleary and Elizabeth Knox...a couple of times when reading these I actually got goosebumps as it sounded just like me :)

http://www.youngadultcancer.ca/community/profiles/

Cancer Club

Saturday night I went to my first support group meeting. It is a group for young adults with cancer or for those who have had cancer. I wasn't really sure what to expect when I arrived and was a little surprised that there were only three of us there. The other two girls L and H were extremely nice and inviting. They made me feel comfortable right away. We talked about all kinds of issues and each of us told our story. They were wonderful listeners and also gave lots of helpful advice about what I could expect and tips to manage side effects and get through it. While I was so impressed by these girls I did feel somewhat out of place. When I was thinking about why this was I realized it was because I didn't feel at all sick. Both other girls have been through so much already and I guess I am just getting started. I am not in any pain nor do I feel that least bit tired. In fact the day before the meeting I went for a 5 k run with a friend and that day played 5 floor hockey games in a tournament. I have to keep reminding myself that I have cancer because I don't feel the least bit different. I listened to L and H talk and felt to bad for what they had gone through and were going through. I had trouble seeing the similarities in our situations or imagining myself going through the same. Is this because things have not sunk in? Or is it because my situation will be completely different? I am resisting the label of "sick person". I am starting finally look the part, at least in terms of my hair or lack thereof, and don't like that pretty soon people will be just able to look at me and know that I have cancer. I don't feel sick and therefore don't want others to think of me this way. Perhaps this is a little strange.

Boredom

For the last three weeks I have been running from appointment to appointment almost every day. There have been only a few days where there has been very little to do. For the last couple days I have had no appointments and with my mom back in Ontario I have had to find other ways to entertain myself. This has not been easy. As a teacher with 2 months off every summer I often found it difficult to keep myself entertained during the days. After about a month I was usually ready to go back to school because I was sick of sitting around. Yesterday I spent most of the day on my computer and then watched 2 movies. By the end of the day I felt a bit like a zombie. Before I was diagnosed I was always on the go. I worked usually 8-10 hour days and then was rarely home in the evenings as I was out with friends or playing on my sports teams or in the mountains for the weekend. I miss this busy fast paced life style. So much in my life has changed in the last few weeks but having to change my lifestyle is probably one of the hardest. I guess I need to get a more relaxed hobby...no more rock climbing or 8 hour Saturday hikes...this sucks. I have lots of books and movies to watch and I guess I can go for lots of walks but this just isn't the same. I feel like cancer is making me lazy...I can't work and I can't do the activities that I love. 2010 is going to be a very long year.

Shrinking!

When my mom was undergoing treatment for her cancer last year she had already had surgery and was told that they didn't think there was any cancer left in her. My situation is a little different. I am having chemo before surgery so the tumor is still in me. When I was first diagnosed 3 weeks ago it really scared me that I could feel the tumor and even see it when I looked in the mirror. I hated showering and would wear many layers of clothing at all times even when I was sleeping. It was scary because I would be able to tell if the chemo was working and I would feel and see if it kept growing. The exciting thing is that I can also feel how much it has shrunk! At first I thought maybe this is all in my head, maybe it hasn't actually shrunk yet just wishful thinking. Now I know this is not true. I never was told exactly how big the tumor was (it was big!) but if I had to guess I would have to say that it is about half the size it was 3 weeks ago!!! This is insane!!! I can also barely feel the lymph nodes under my arm. One was about 2 cm in diameter before. I am very excited for my oncologist appointment on Tuesday so I can share my good news :) The oncologist had told me about a patient she has in her 30's with breast cancer who had great results after only two treatments...and I have only had one so far! This also makes me excited for my next chemo session next Wednesday (yes I know it sounds strange...I can't wait for chemo!). If I have had this much change after one treatment, just wait until I have had 3 or 4 treatments! There has been so much bad scary news in the last few weeks so the knowledge that this is actually working makes me feel amazing!

Back to Normal???

In the last few days I have been trying my best to get "back to normal". This seems a little strange because I'm not really sure what normal is anymore. I have been going out with friends most evenings trying to do the same things I always did. I even played floor hockey this past weekend...I guess this was against doctors orders but I feel completely normal, same energy and it felt so amazing to run! I think while I am still able I need to keep doing these things...help keep myself sane :)

So what is not normal is my hair. I knew that it would start to fall out between 2-4 weeks after my first treatment. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. So last Thursday Wes and I shaved one another's heads. I thought it would be really scary but it was actually kinda fun. I don't think I ever cut my hair when I was a little kid, but that is how it felt. I took out the scissors and just cut off a big chunk and sat there looking at it. I didn't want to look in the mirror until it was all done. When I finally looked I was actually pleasantly surprised...it didn't look horrible, and I've actually got a few compliments about it. So for now I have about 1 cm of hair all over my head, though I have already noticed a few extra hairs falling out in the shower every morning. Oh well it's only hair it will grow back :)

This afternoon I have to drive my mom and brother to the airport. Mom has been here for almost 3 weeks now and it really is time for her to head home. It will probably be hard for her to leave as she has been so amazing and strong for me. But I think we both know that it is time. I need to try to get back to "normal" and so does she.