Envy

So lately I have been going through a little bit of a "why me" phase. I never really questioned it before, why this had happened to me, I just figured it is what it is. The last couple days I have been stuck in my head a lot more trying to snap my way out of this "funk". I find that when I am out in public I am always watching other people, thinking about how they seem to be walking around without a care in the world. I can't even imagine what that is like now, just walking down the street and not having a dark cloud hanging over your head. I think about how much I would like to just trade places with these carefree people. I also find that I am watching older people a lot. As soon as I see someone who is older the first thought in my mind is I hope I will get to be that old. They are so lucky...they get to age...they've had their families, careers, done many things in their lives. I also think about how for the most part I think I have led a very healthy life. How is it fair that now I have cancer when there are so many people out there who do horrible things to their bodies and they won't have to deal with this. What is the benefit or working so hard to be "healthy"? I also have a bit of "cancer envy". By this I mean that lately I have met a number of people who also have/had cancer. For the most part the people I am meeting have an earlier stage of cancer than I do. When we are talking about our situations and sharing stories I often think how "lucky" they are that they only have stage two breast cancer for example. No cancer is good, and no one is lucky in this situation, but I can't stop thinking about how much I wish this had been caught earlier, and how much easier the battle would be if it was an earlier stage.

Delayed Diagnosis

Rather than discussing my day tonight I thought I might find it helpful to get a few thoughts out on a topic is unfortunately very present with young adult cancer survivors. Statistics show that young adults have between 7-10% lower chance of surviving their cancers than children and older adults, Why is this? One reasons is that much research has been done one childhood and adult cancers, and not nearly as much for the middle group. Also as a young adult our bodies are still changing, we are not children anymore but often our bodies do not respond to treatments in the same ways as older adults.

The other reason for these lower rates is delayed diagnosis. I believe in my situation my delayed diagnosis was a result of many factors. Firstly as a young adult you feel invincible. I never expected to have breast cancer at 27 and therefore did not panic when symptoms slowly started to emerge. People my age don't get breast cancer! This is in fact very far from true as I have met many young amazing women fighting this same disease. Feeling invincible and like I was in the greatest shape of my life led me to delay going to the doctor, and therefore delayed my diagnosis. This part is all on my shoulders. The other culprit in the story of delayed diagnosis is out health care system itself. When I finally acted on my symptoms I was told by numerous people in numerous different ways that I had nothing to worry about. This is very common, couldn't be cancer. Most women can't even begin breast screening until their 40's. When I was told by three doctors that there was no way that I had cancer I believed them. And when I asked why they had been so wrong the response I got was that because of my age it was so unlikely and things just didn't seem abnormal. My story is definitely not unique. Over the last few months I have met many young breast cancer and other young cancer survivors who tell a very similar story. We don't expect that we will have cancer and neither do the doctors, so by the time we are diagnosed we are often considered more advanced. The fact of the matter is that young adults are diagnosed every day with cancer...it does happen and this needs to be acknowledged.

The purpose of this blog was not to have people worrying about their own bodies. I was told that 80-90% of breast lumps are nothing, and that is true. But you need to trust your own body. The only person who is able to advocate for your health is you...the doctors will not do that for you. If you are told that it is probably nothing, ask for that extra test just to make sure. And when you find out that it really was nothing you will know that you did the right thing and advocated for your body!

The Dumps

Okay, so that last few days I have been in a bit of a funk and know that it is time to snap out of it. I hate to use the word depression, as I've never really been depressed before, but I guess that might be the best word to describe it. At other times I feel almost hopeless like there is an impossible mountain to climb, or just helpless like things are completely out of my hands and I am just waiting to find out what will happen with me. It is a bit frustrating because now that I have gotten some good news I feel like I should be more positive and happy, but I just can't seem to snap out of this mood. I think a lot of it has to do with lack of sleep. The last few nights I have spent many hours lying awake, waiting for sleep to come. It has been frustrating and attempts to take naps during the day have not worked either.

I guess I am lucky though, as I have many people who keep trying to pick me back up. Just when I am feeling lonely I receive reminders from people who are here to support and cheer me up. Just today I received a huge box in the mail filled with probably dozens of little gifts, from my aunt and cousins back in Ontario. The goal is to open one every day when I need to be picked back up...so sweet.

I have also today received a number of emails from supporters, some who I have recently connected with through support groups, all reminding me that I am not alone. I think I am going to try to connect with some of these people a little more, perhaps get together with some other awesome cancer chicks in the next few days...they always seem to know what to say.

I have wonderful friends who are always trying to distract me, getting me out of the house, pushing me to get off my ass and laugh with them. As hard as it seems sometimes to get ready and go out to do something I always feel better after...so please keep pushing and I will do my best to stop resisting as I truly realize where I need to be is with these awesome people. I hope you know how awesome you are!

There is also my mom, who went a way for the weekend, but still had to call to make sure I was doing okay even though she was supposed to be getting away from all these worries...I really do appreciate her love...I can't imagine what this is like for her either.

And then there is Wes...who when he wakes up every morning has no idea which Kim he will get that day. In previous weeks it was usually the cheery/optimistic Kim (sometimes a struggle to get her going) but more lately it has been a much quieter version who spend hours lying on the couch staring off into space with the occasional meltdown with many tears.

I know that nothing is as difficult as what I am dealing with right now, but I know that it is often not easy for others in my circle of support and love as well. I try to make things easier for everyone to deal with, but sometimes my dark sides just have to come out and for those of you who have been a part of that I want to apologize and also thank you for being there in those moments. Because as scary as they have been, they have also been necessary for me to just let it out...and after I have let it out does it ever feel good to have someone there to help me get back up.

My Needle

So today's exciting activity was giving myself an injection. Previously I had been going to the hospital the day after chemo to get this injection which boosts my immune system. Talking with other people I learned that you didn't really have to go to the hospital as you could just have someone give you the needle or you could do it yourself. So I decided to cancel my appointment at the hospital and give it a try myself. The plan was that Wes would give me the needle, but as he was busy working all day at his place and I was at mine, I decided that I really want to be brave and give it to myself. So with Erin reading the instruction we did it. You can choose from a few different places to inject...mainly the fatty places on your body. At the hospital they gave it to me in the back of the arm, but tonight I decided the easiest place was in the stomach. I really didn't hurt that much, and afterward I was actually quite proud of myself.

Chemo #4

Today was #4. So far I am feeling just like I had the last 3 time. A little tired, not really hungry, but feeling overall quite good. Wes went with me again this time, not the most exciting way for either of us to spend the morning, but it is nice not to be alone for sure...he is good company...makes me laugh with his corny jokes.

Last night I felt like I should have been celebrating my good news, but for some strange reason was feeling low and had a few pity moments. The worst I was laying in bed last night thinking about how I want to grow old (wrinkles, gray hair, fat... bring it on!) and how I want to have a family. I was thinking about how Wes would probably still get to do all that stuff, perhaps with someone else...but the odds are not in my favour. When he asked me why I was crying and I told him he said that he didn't want to do that with anyone else, he wanted that with me. That made me cry even more. Like I have said before, if having cancer was just about the physical battle this would be a breeze. I try to be positive, but sometimes it seems impossible to. I just have to keep reminding myself that things are getting better. Everyone says that the worst part about having cancer is the first few months....things will settle down soon hopefully.

Test Results Day

Today was a bit of a stressful day. My appointment to see my oncologist was at 1:30 and for the second time in a row my oncologist was away, on holidays this time. I saw the same replacement doctor as last time. Again this was frustrating as I had prepared a long list of question, all of which I asked, but most of which couldn't be answered by this doctor. I did however receive good test results. The results were very vague but still positive. I can't remember exactly how it was worded but all it said in the report about my bone scan was something along the line of the bone is "less effected" than before and there are no new effected spots. The CAT scan report said that my left breast is still larger than my right...whatever that means...they don't tell you how large the tumor is. And also this scan said that the lymph nodes under my arm could no longer be detected. The doctor also examined me and said that the tiny lumps under my arm are likely scar tissue, not cancerous...and she said that my cancerous breast was not much different than the healthy breast. These results were all good, though it was still a little bit frustrating as the doctor was very emotionless and it almost seemed like I was getting bad news as I receiving this good news. I still have lots of questions and I'm still wondering what the next step will be after chemo but I guess I will have to wait until next appointment to figure that out. I think the next three weeks will be good ones though. I am feeling good, I know things are working and I have to just keep being strong and positive! Chemo day #4 tomorrow.

Bad Genes

So this morning I met with a genetic counselor to discuss my going for genetic testing. I asked my doctor for this referral as my mom found out in January that she is a carrier of a genetic mutation they have labeled BRCA1. Pretty much if you have this mutation you have quite high odds of developing breast or ovarian cancer in women and prostate cancer for men. The percentages are quite staggering, up to a 70% chance of developing breast cancer in your lifetime. Pre-cancer I had planned on going for this testing, as knowing you carry this mutation allows you to go for more screening earlier in life. As I already know that I have breast cancer it is very very likely that I carry this mutation as well. I didn't really learn anything new that will assist with my treatment at this appointment, but it was very interesting. For women who carry this mutation they recommend that screening begin at 25. This is very good, as pre-cancer I was told that I shouldn't have anything to worry about until I hit my 40's. I also was told that the odds of having this gene, if they just took a random sample for people off the street was 1/800. This is not the type of lottery I want to win! So for me now what does this mean. Well I was already planning on having surgery if I am able to, to prevent further breast cancers. It also means that I may want to have a hysterectomy young too...dependent of if I want or can have children. These are definitely things that I did not expect to have to worry about at 27.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I will get my blood taken at noon to make sure I am good to go for chemo #4 on Wednesday, and at 1:30 I will be meeting with my oncologist. This is the day when I get the results of my CAT scan and bone scan. I am not too worried about these test results anymore as I know that things are shrinking in 2/3 places....I am sure that tomorrow I will be told that it is shrinking everywhere. It would be extremely rare/unlikely for it to be working in my breast and sternum but not in my lymph nodes. It will still be highly stressful. I have prepared a long list of questions to ask the doctor, some of the answers might be difficult for me to hear, but they are questions that have been in my mind for a while. I will have my "entourage" with me so make sure my questions all get asked (sometimes when I am nervous I forget things and just want to get stressful situations over with :). I am confident that tomorrow will be a good day and there will need to be some sort of celebration tomorrow night!

Pre-Chemo Weekend

So far it has been a really good weekend. We (Steve, Wes and I) are playing in another ball tournament and the weather has so far been cooperating. It was around 20 degrees today, with only a brief thundershower and then returned to sunshine. Two weekends ago I played part time in a tournament. It was a lot of fun, though I was very tired at the end. That was only 3 days after I had chemo and was just coming off of the anti-nausea medications they give me. I think I will feel a lot better after this tournament as I have been feeling almost 100% the last couple days. My energy has been high and I haven't been having any aches or pains. We have another game tomorrow morning and then possibly a hockey game tomorrow afternoon....so lots of activity. I will head to bed early tonight and rest up. It is great to have an active busy weekend before my return to being a "sick person" next week.

Missing the Sun

Not much new to report today. Again the day was filled with little things. The good news is that I woke up this morning well rested after my first solo night in a while. After getting up and getting ready for the day I met some teacher friends for a quick but yummy lunch. The afternoon was spent couch surfing /movie watching. The plan for tonight was to meet a friend at 5 for coffee and a tour of her new place. After sitting in traffic for an hour and a half, it was 5:30 and we decided to post pone until the weekend....grrrr Calgary traffic....oh well lesson learned. So for tonight I am just trying to keep warm. It was another cold, rainy, damp day in Calgary....depressing. I have always found that I am often cold when others aren't, but lately I have been extra cold. I have heard of others experiencing this too from chemo....that and the lack of body hair to keep me warm :)

Good Days

The last few days have been quite good. With the good news I received on Monday I have been much more relaxed. I feel like I know things are working and I haven't been feeling the aches and pains like I was before. It is funny how the mind works, as soon as you stop worrying about something you don't even notice it anymore. The last few days I have also been spending quite a bit of time alone. During the day I have been doing little things, sometimes meeting up with friends for lunches and dinners, but the majority of time I have been on my own. This has gone pretty good, though time seems to go much faster when you are with people. Tonight will also be my first night alone in a long time. I think it has been probably 6 weeks since I have done this. While this may seem silly to others reading this, for me it feels like a big step. If I wake up in the middle of the night it will be just me and my thoughts, but now those thoughts have turned a bit more positive. It was my choice to spend the night by myself and I am confident it will be okay. I feel like such a big girl :)

Some Good News

Just about two months ago I went for my first bone scan. It was not a pretty day as I knew something was wrong when they kept scanning my chest and sent me for extra chest x-rays. The technician told me there was something in my chest...which technically she shouldn't have, but I kept asking her why the extra scans. I ended up crying in the parking lot with my mom for a while before we could leave. Today was bone scan #2. When a wonderful friend and I arrived at the clinic all those bad memories came back. I kept wondering what this scan would show...had it grown? Had it spread to any new bones? I had been told that with this localized spread being so close to by breast it could still be "gotten" with radiation and therefore I can be cured...but if things get worse this is probably not a possibility. Anyways scan number 2 lasted about 15 minutes and then I anxiously waited for the technician to come get me out of the machine. She seemed to be taking a long time and I could see her sitting in front of her computer looking at something...not a good sign in my mind. When she returned she told me that things "looked really good". After I stopped crying I asked her what she meant by this. She took me back into the the room with the computers and pulled up both my scans...the one from April and then today's. On April's scan you could see a black section on my sternum...a fairly large black mark...I might guess at least 3 inches. On the new scan there was no black, only a slightly darker gray colour...almost the same colour as the rest of my bones. She said that it still had to be looked at by the doctor but by what she could see things have shrunk tremendously. Again the tears started to flow. When I got out to the waiting room my friend was patiently waiting, took one look at my red, tear stained face and got worried. We went right outside and I shared the good news with her...what a moment. I know this is only a small step/victory. I am still waiting to get the official results from my oncologist on Tuesday and also get my CAT scan results, but at least for the next few days I think I can hold onto this little bit of good news. As least I know that the chemo is working and if it is working in my breast and sternum then there shouldn't be any bad news from the CAT scan. Since all the cancerous cells in my body are the same, no mater of the location, the chemo should be working on all of them. It will still be difficult waiting for next Tuesday to come, but at least now I know that the ache that I have been having in my chest the last few weeks is not a sign that the cancer is spreading, but from the poison doing its job!

The Weekend

So far the weekend has been great, as finally the weather is Calgary is resembling summer. Yesterday we biked around downtown in the morning and ended up a the Caribbean Festival lying in the grass listening to music and soaking up the sun. After a while we headed home, read in the backyard for a bit and then met up with my brother to play some tennis. Last night was my second cancer Club meeting. There were about 10 of us there this time and we sat out on the patio or Karma house....it was a perfect evening. I think of all the people there I was the only one still undergoing treatment, so there were lots of people to give me advice. One of the chemo nurses from the Tom Baker cancer Center was also there and I was able to ask her some questions I have been worrying about, which settled my nerves a little bit and made me feel much better. One conversation the group had did worry me a bit though. When we were talking about the side effects of chemo the nurse said that it is good to be having side effects because this means that the chemo is working. This concerned me because I really haven't had all that many side effects, especially after treatments two and three. There have been some things like losing my hair, heart burn, churning stomach, dry mouth, but nothing like some people experience. Here I was thinking I was doing so well not having many side effects and I left the meeting almost wishing I was in rougher shape. As many people have told me, I am probably just looking for new things to worry about. Constant worrying is one of the side effects they don't tell you about in the little pamphlets, but I am definitely suffering from that! Anyways the meeting was really good. I ended up chatting with one couple about non-cancer things, like hiking, climbing and travels which was really nice. This afternoon there is a BBQ with the same group that I will be going to, should be lots of fun and more new people to meet.

NOTE - I have decided to stop capitalizing the word cancer. Right now my life is pretty much revolving around it, so in my mind not capitalizing takes some importance away from it.

CAT Scan Today

Today I had my CAT scan. The scan itself is pretty easy. Last time I had one I had to drink about 2 liters of liquid first and then have the test, but this time I didn't as they were only scanning my abdomen and chest. They do have to set up an IV though and briefly give you some kind of stuff that makes you feel warm all over and feel like you have to pee. The entire scan takes about 10-15 minutes. I am pretty freaked out about waiting for the results. I have no idea what the results will be. Sometimes I am so positive and other times I am not so positive. The results of this test and my bone scan on Monday will tell a lot. Either the chemo is working and my body is fighting this or it is not working...and I'm not sure how I will deal with this. I am told that I am undergoing "aggressive treatment", so if I am not responding to aggressive treatment it is hard to optimistic. I am not sure exactly when I will get the results. I have appointment on June 22 so I suspect I will find out then....how I will fill my time and distract myself until then I have no idea. I suspect the next few weeks will be filled with ups and downs as I wait.

So Tired

Sleep has not been easy to come by the last few days. I have been exhausted but as soon as I close my eyes I feel wide awake. I have even been taking my little blue pills which last week would magically make me sleep through the whole night, but sadly they don't seem to be as effective anymore...I hate relying on drugs, but lying awake for hours with only my thoughts is just not a good thing. The aches and pains are also worse when I have not slept well, so sleep needs to be top priority.

Today was a decent day. This may not sound like much, but for the first time in weeks I spent the entire day by myself. I would love to say that it went perfectly smoothly with no break downs...but that wouldn't be the full truth. The morning was a bit rough, but with the help of a friend I was able to pull myself out of bed and get on with my day. It was good for me to be alone. I was able to show myself that I could do it, and it also gave Wes a break from babysitting me. One thing I really miss is my independence. I used to love those few moments of solitude where you could be alone with your thoughts, but now I avoid them at all costs. I am completely reliant on those around me to distract me and pick me up when I am down, and I hate this. So much of my life has changed in the last 2 months... I barely recognize myself in the mirror and rarely feel like the strong independent girl I used to be so proud of.

To end on a positive thought I will just say that once I have beaten this I will see someone even stronger emerge. I will no longer be completely reliant on others, but at the same time will have learned the value of asking for help and letting others be there for me when it is needed....I think this is a valuable lesson.

Ups and Downs

It is amazing how quickly my mood and how I am feeling can change. Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I played in a slow-pitch tournament, was outside all day, and was for the first time able to forget about things somewhat...at least more than I have been able to before. I felt great last night. I was exhausted, sore but this felt normal. Even this morning I woke up feeling good. We headed back to out last ball game, where I played half the game and then came home around 3 this afternoon....and then crash! I think the exhaustion hit me hard around this time. I curled up in bed, laying with my eyes open for about 3-4 hours...no sleep laying there. I felt depressed and didn't know what to do to get out of it. I kept thinking about all the aches and pains I have been feeling for the last few weeks and what could be happening inside my body. Eventually I got up had some food to eat and somewhat snapped out of it, though I still feel like there is a dark cloud hanging over my head. I am hoping after a good nights sleep things will seem better in the morning

I Miss Beer, Chicken Wings and Cheesecake

Thanks to a wonderful new friend I was introduced to a new author named Kris Carr who has written two awesome books about being a cancer survivor. I have almost finished both books....yes I am reading them both at the same time which really doesn't make sense to me either :) Anyways, the books are filled with lots of uplifting tips and advice for how to get through this most difficult time in your life. One topic she is really passionate about it nutrition and eating an organic raw food diet. While this all sounds good, it quite difficult for a carnivore, french fry loving girl. So I am trying to incorporate this into my diet slowly. Right now I am trying for 50% and that has been a struggle. Every day I choke down 750 ml of green juice (cucumber, celery, kale and broccoli).... I try to imagine I am drinking a chocolate milk shake, but that doesn't really work. For the other 50% I am trying to eat as healthy as I can. That means no red meat, alcohol :(, fried foods, dairy products, sugar (other than found naturally in organic fruits), white flour, juice/pop. So this may leave you wondering what in the world I am actually eating. Well most mornings begin with a couple of cups of hot water with lemon (man I feel like an old lady). That is followed by lots of green gunk. For lunch I will have a big salad or perhaps a sandwich made from whole wheat bread. Dinner perhaps salad, whole wheat pasta, veggies, piece of fish or chicken....and dessert....well I'm still trying to figure that one out....sometimes a handful of blueberries. The other day at the grocery store Wes bought a mini cheesecake for his dessert...if looks could kill! I am told that as time goes on this diet will become easier...I hope it hurries up as it sometimes feels like a new form of torture.

Kicking Ass Day #3

This morning I had my third chemo treatment. All went well and I had my big brother to keep me company. The entire process lasts about 3 hours and is painless. People are really friendly, the even bring you drinks and cookies if you want! The worst part is that they are pumping you with so many fluids and telling you to drink lots of water, so it seems like you are always peeing! I still get a lot of stares when I am at the cancer centre. I know this is because most of the patients are at least 30-40 years older than I am. Hopefully I will get used to this. I really hate the pity looks though. The looks where you know exactly what they are thinking. I was on the phone making an appointment the other day and when I told the women my age her response was "awwww you are younger than I am". Yes I know that I am young! Yes I know that it isn't really fair! But those are the cards I have been dealt and I don't need reminders from people. Sorry hope that didn't sound too angry:) Anyways I am doing good, going to try to force myself to go for a walk right now even though the couch looks so much more appealing.

Amazing People

Just a quick note to thank all the amazing people that I have in my life. It is too bad that it takes something serious like this to truly appreciate how lucky I am to have such a wonderful support system. In the last two months I have been amazed at how everyone has been there and how people I really don't know all that well have sent their love and words of encouragement. There are so many amazing people out there, and ones that I look forward to getting to know better. I know that one day when someone else needs it I will be there to return the favour. Thank you!