Envy

So lately I have been going through a little bit of a "why me" phase. I never really questioned it before, why this had happened to me, I just figured it is what it is. The last couple days I have been stuck in my head a lot more trying to snap my way out of this "funk". I find that when I am out in public I am always watching other people, thinking about how they seem to be walking around without a care in the world. I can't even imagine what that is like now, just walking down the street and not having a dark cloud hanging over your head. I think about how much I would like to just trade places with these carefree people. I also find that I am watching older people a lot. As soon as I see someone who is older the first thought in my mind is I hope I will get to be that old. They are so lucky...they get to age...they've had their families, careers, done many things in their lives. I also think about how for the most part I think I have led a very healthy life. How is it fair that now I have cancer when there are so many people out there who do horrible things to their bodies and they won't have to deal with this. What is the benefit or working so hard to be "healthy"? I also have a bit of "cancer envy". By this I mean that lately I have met a number of people who also have/had cancer. For the most part the people I am meeting have an earlier stage of cancer than I do. When we are talking about our situations and sharing stories I often think how "lucky" they are that they only have stage two breast cancer for example. No cancer is good, and no one is lucky in this situation, but I can't stop thinking about how much I wish this had been caught earlier, and how much easier the battle would be if it was an earlier stage.