Sleep has not been easy to come by the last few days. I have been exhausted but as soon as I close my eyes I feel wide awake. I have even been taking my little blue pills which last week would magically make me sleep through the whole night, but sadly they don't seem to be as effective anymore...I hate relying on drugs, but lying awake for hours with only my thoughts is just not a good thing. The aches and pains are also worse when I have not slept well, so sleep needs to be top priority.
Today was a decent day. This may not sound like much, but for the first time in weeks I spent the entire day by myself. I would love to say that it went perfectly smoothly with no break downs...but that wouldn't be the full truth. The morning was a bit rough, but with the help of a friend I was able to pull myself out of bed and get on with my day. It was good for me to be alone. I was able to show myself that I could do it, and it also gave Wes a break from babysitting me. One thing I really miss is my independence. I used to love those few moments of solitude where you could be alone with your thoughts, but now I avoid them at all costs. I am completely reliant on those around me to distract me and pick me up when I am down, and I hate this. So much of my life has changed in the last 2 months... I barely recognize myself in the mirror and rarely feel like the strong independent girl I used to be so proud of.
To end on a positive thought I will just say that once I have beaten this I will see someone even stronger emerge. I will no longer be completely reliant on others, but at the same time will have learned the value of asking for help and letting others be there for me when it is needed....I think this is a valuable lesson.
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I have allways been told that it takes a very strong person to ask for help and an even stronger person to allow themselves to be helped when you need it most!!! It sounds like you have some really amazing family and friends supporting you and helping you through this !!! So just keep asking for help and leaning.g on them!! I guarantee even when you feel your weakest they are feeling like you are the strongest person they know!!!! I know we haven't talked in a long time but after being up all night reading your blogs I think you are one of the strongest persons I have ever met!!! :) just remember even when you feel weak it id your strength that shows to everyone, and that is probably helping. them get through this with you!!!
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