The Dumps

Okay, so that last few days I have been in a bit of a funk and know that it is time to snap out of it. I hate to use the word depression, as I've never really been depressed before, but I guess that might be the best word to describe it. At other times I feel almost hopeless like there is an impossible mountain to climb, or just helpless like things are completely out of my hands and I am just waiting to find out what will happen with me. It is a bit frustrating because now that I have gotten some good news I feel like I should be more positive and happy, but I just can't seem to snap out of this mood. I think a lot of it has to do with lack of sleep. The last few nights I have spent many hours lying awake, waiting for sleep to come. It has been frustrating and attempts to take naps during the day have not worked either.

I guess I am lucky though, as I have many people who keep trying to pick me back up. Just when I am feeling lonely I receive reminders from people who are here to support and cheer me up. Just today I received a huge box in the mail filled with probably dozens of little gifts, from my aunt and cousins back in Ontario. The goal is to open one every day when I need to be picked back up...so sweet.

I have also today received a number of emails from supporters, some who I have recently connected with through support groups, all reminding me that I am not alone. I think I am going to try to connect with some of these people a little more, perhaps get together with some other awesome cancer chicks in the next few days...they always seem to know what to say.

I have wonderful friends who are always trying to distract me, getting me out of the house, pushing me to get off my ass and laugh with them. As hard as it seems sometimes to get ready and go out to do something I always feel better after...so please keep pushing and I will do my best to stop resisting as I truly realize where I need to be is with these awesome people. I hope you know how awesome you are!

There is also my mom, who went a way for the weekend, but still had to call to make sure I was doing okay even though she was supposed to be getting away from all these worries...I really do appreciate her love...I can't imagine what this is like for her either.

And then there is Wes...who when he wakes up every morning has no idea which Kim he will get that day. In previous weeks it was usually the cheery/optimistic Kim (sometimes a struggle to get her going) but more lately it has been a much quieter version who spend hours lying on the couch staring off into space with the occasional meltdown with many tears.

I know that nothing is as difficult as what I am dealing with right now, but I know that it is often not easy for others in my circle of support and love as well. I try to make things easier for everyone to deal with, but sometimes my dark sides just have to come out and for those of you who have been a part of that I want to apologize and also thank you for being there in those moments. Because as scary as they have been, they have also been necessary for me to just let it out...and after I have let it out does it ever feel good to have someone there to help me get back up.