The Past Month

It has been quite a while since I have written anything. I guess this is because so much as been going on I don't even know where to start. I will try to explain what is new and elaborate on a few things.

1. I started radiation on November 9th and finished today (25 treatments in total, once a day)! My skin in the radiation area slowly went from pink, to red, to purple to a nasty shade of brown/grey. Slowly some skin has started to peel off and I've been told that it will be at its worst 7-10 days after treatment. While this isn't ideal to be feeling at my worst over the Christmas holidays, things could be a lot worse. While radiation is by no means fun, it is a walk in the park compared to chemo and surgery recovery. A couple weeks ago I was feeling a bit fatigued but this week really haven't felt much of that at all. Chemo check, surgery check, radiation CHECK!!!

2. I went back to work shortly after returning from Newfoundland. While it is still only two half days a week, it was still a fairly big step. At first I found it pretty tiring when I got home, but slowly it has become easier and I rarely take naps now. It was also a big step because I was going to tell the kids why I was away. Kids are amazing though, you tell them something very serious, they ask a few questions and then just as quickly they seem to move on. To be honest I found it more intimidating to be back with coworkers. Don't get me wrong they have all been amazing, but it is just different now, as hard as people try you do get treated differently and that is no ones fault, it is just the situation. I am hoping to increase to another day or two in the new year.

3. Christmas this year is going to be spent out west. Mom and Dad are flying out on Christmas Eve and we have rented a condo in Invermere for four days. I guess we decided that it might be a good idea to do something different this year. It has been a very abnormal year so I really didn't feel like doing the "normal" thing for the holidays. Sometimes it is also a bit awkward seeing people who haven't seen me in a long time. Everyone knows what has happened but sometimes it just feels like it is awkward for others to be around me. Maybe no one else notices this but again things just feel different. Again, this is no ones fault, it is just the situation. So for these reasons we have decided to do something different, just the four of us (Wes is off to Ottawa on the 23rd).

4. Follow up appointments are becoming the new norm. Every three months I go for scans and a check up appointment. My last appointment was on Tuesday and went pretty well. Basically it a game of wait and see now. A small spot can still be seen on my sternum, and as long as that is stable I am good. If it starts growing again, then it will be a worry. Nothing else can be seen anywhere else in my body, which is very good. This might be the hardest part of this disease, having to just wait and see what happens, hoping for the best, but never really knowing what is happening inside your body.

Newfoundland

Writing about my week in Newfoundland has been on my mind since I got back almost a week ago. The reason I haven't has nothing to do with being busy, but more because I am still processing everything and figuring out everything that happened last week. I guess to start off I will say that I didn't really know what to expect from a "cancer conference" and I didn't really realize how difficult this experience would be. I thought I would meet new people, hear about their experiences and hear what a few experts had to say. I did not expect all emotional stuff that would come with this experience. Since my surgery more than two months ago I have tried really hard to savour my good test results and have tried my hardest to not have cancer be the centre of my universe (instead of thinking about it every minute, I could sometimes go two or three minutes without thinking about it). So I went from trying very hard not to think about it, to spending an entire weekend talking, learning and thinking about it... this was not easy. What was also difficult was meeting people who were not doing very well. It is horrible of me, but meeting these people really scared me, and while it shouldn't have been about me, all I could think about was whether this was going to be me as well. It was also difficult to hear about people who had attended the conference last year and who have since died. I kept thinking if some day I would be the person who was no longer there, and what memories people who have of me. All of these things were extremely tough, and have had me lost in my head since I have returned. I don't want to make it sound like the conference was a bad experience....because it wasn't. It made me think about a lot of things, while scary, were probably good things to consider and think about...it was just really tough. I am sure that very soon I will look back at that week and say it was an amazing experience, once I have processed everything. I can already recognize many wonderful things that came from the conference. I met lots of really amazing people who have beaten cancer and are doing amazing, fulfilling things with their lives. I met some awesome girls who have been through breast cancer and could give me advice on all kinds of things, including tips on my new body :) I also go to meet Dawn, a great girl who now lives in Quebec, who I had been emailing and chatting with since the beginning. Dawn and I were roommates and the conference and I was just amazed by her attitude, generosity and the fight she has inside of her. The information learned at the conference was also very helpful and I left with many ideas of what I could do to take charge of things a bit more. So I really hope I didn't make it sound negative, because it really wasn't, it was just difficult, but in a good way :)

My First Tattoo....Not By Choice

The last few weeks have been fairly busy, with a few new developments. Radiation should be starting on November 9th, the day after I get back from Newfoundland. I am also hoping to start back at work that week....very much looking forward to the work part...not the radiation. Today I went for a CT scan where they map my body so they know exactly how to align the radiation machine. At the end of the appointment they marked me with three small dot tattoos (look like tiny freckles). They use these tattoos every time I go for radiation to make sure the machine is perfectly aligned. It is pretty crazy that these tattoos will be with me for the rest of my life, always as small reminder (though compared to my scars they are nothing). The other excitement of the last few weeks has been planning my trip to Newfoundland and also a last minute trip to Ontario this past week. Wes and I spent about 6 days in Ontario where we visited both of our families. I finally got to meet Wes's parents and sisters which was great. I was really nice to spend time out of the city in the fresh air.

No News is Good News

I was thinking the other day about how I really have nothing to blog about lately. With chemo done and surgery over with life has sort of fallen into something of a routine with no real developments on the health front. My "non-cancer" life is really quite ordinary so don't know if sharing the details will make for a very entertaining read. It has now been more than 4 weeks since surgery and I would say that I am basically back to normal. In the last couple of days we have gone to the gym almost daily and have even been playing a bit of tennis. I was concerned that tennis might be difficult with the limited mobility in my left arm, but I would say that it has almost completely healed at this time. Other than my active activities I am getting VERY bored. Feeling as if I am basically healthy and back to normal it is starting to feel a bit silly to not be working. I am hoping this problem will be remedied soon.

This coming Friday I am meeting with the radiation oncologist to discuss radiation treatments. Originally I thought that radiation would have started by now and I would be finished early November. Now it is looking like radiation might not even start until later in the month. This has me very worried because I am planning on attending a conference in Newfoundland at the beginning of November. So many people have donated towards my trip and supported this adventure and I am very worried that with my new treatment schedule I may not be able to go anymore. I will meet with the doctor on Friday and I am really hoping that somehow this trip can still work into my treatment schedule. I should have some news to share on Friday.

The Good Kind of Shock This Time

A friend told me that how she dealt with her cancer journey was to plan for the worst but hope for the best. Over the last few months this is sort of the approach I have taken. I have always tried to be positive and hope for the best, but I also have thought about the worst and how I would handle these situations. After meeting with my surgeon last week and getting my amazing pathology results I was still apprehensive about celebrating and believing that everything was as we had hoped. Today I met with my oncologist to get her take on everything and hear what was going to be happening next. Basically she said that the results I have gotten were everything we had hoped for. From this doctor, who often seems to hold back on any positivity, this was awesome to hear. The term remission gets used a lot in "cancer world" and to be honest I am not really sure exactly what it mean as it is used differently by different specialists, but the term she used was "pathological remission". At least according to my pathology results I am cancer free. I know that there could still be cancer in my body and the only way to know this for sure is to wait, go for my scans and see if anything shows up. For now though what I will hold onto and celebrate is that I have already beaten some odds. I was told that it was unlikely that the cancer would be gone, and at least for now it looks like it could be gone. So what next? I meet with the radiation oncologist next Friday and radiation should be starting within a few weeks of that. Someone once described radiation to me as "the cleanup crew". In my situation the cleanup crew could be very important as there are no cells that can be seen, but could be tiny ones floating around in there. From what I hear radiation is a breeze compared to chemo and surgery. My plan is to get back to being me as much as possible during this last phase of my treatment. It's like I took a little nap for the last 6ish months, but now, without a doubt I can say that KIM IS BACK!!!

cancer isn't killing me, I'm killing cancer!!!

The last week has been a bit difficult. It included a couple of days spent in ER for concerns that luckily turned out to be nothing. I have spent a lot of time in my head too, thinking about what has been happening to me and my feelings about the whole thing... it really hasn't been an easy week being me.

Today we finally got to see some light as I met with my surgeon to get the pathology results from my surgery. Basically they took all the stuff they cut out/off of me and tested it. Today the same surgeon who diagonsed me almost six months ago and on that day told me that he had never seen cancer grow that quickly, told me that he has never seen results like this from chemo. He said chemo will often shrink tumours like this considerably, but never has he seen it to this extent! So here are the results as I understood them. From the pathology of my breast they could tell that at one time the tumour had been greater than 8cm...they can tell that from the scar tissue. Now they could detect 0.5 mm (not cm but mm!!!) of non-evasive carcinoma (pretty much a dot of cancer cells that were just happy to be hanging out in my boob, not spreading or threatening). Next, I had 15 lymph nodes removed from under my arm and my chest. EVERY ONE of them was negative for carcinoma. They could tell that 4 had be cancerous at one time (scar tissue again) but now ZERO are cancerous. The surgeon said that it is likely that if there were cancer cells floating around elsewhere in my body they should have responded in the same way. Though there is no way to remove my sternum to do the same types of test on the cancerous spot there, it is likely that it has responded similarily. Radiation of my sternum will now be very important as if there are any cancerous cells hanging out in there still (even if they are non-evasive now I don't want them) radiation should be able to clean it all up. Obviously there are no guarantees and I still have a long road ahead of me, but there really couldn't have been any better results.

So how do I feel about all of this...to be honest it really hasn't sunk in at all. Lately I have been doing lots of reading and research about breast cancer and stage IV breast cancer. From everything that I have read/heard this type of cancer is not curable. While there have been a few cases where cure is still possible, for the most part treatment of the disease that I have is to prolong a persons life, not cure them. This is something that slowly I had come to accept, and while I still listened to all those people who told me that cure is still something of a possibility I tried to be realistic. Now, at least according to my surgeon, I have responded in such a way that maybe I can be one of those rare cases. I don't want to get ahead of myself, this is just one step of many, but at least now it doesn't seem like a complete fantasy. Today while seeing the surgeon he kept telling me "this is good news, this is good news", as I wasn't really responding as one might to such great news. I just told him that after a while you start to get used to hearing bad news and expect that it will always be that way, so maybe it will just take some time to sink in.

The Difference A Few Days Make

It is amazing how quickly I have recovered from surgery. For the first 3 or 4 days post-surgery it really did suck. There was very little that I could do for myself. I needed help to get changed, reach for things and even stand up from laying down. Luckily I had lots of great "nurses" around to help me. My mom has been great, looking after me, making sure I have been doing my exercises. Stephen also provided a lot of support, helping me in numerous ways and hanging out to help keep me entertained. The best thing I have gotten from Wes in this experience is acceptance of my new body. A while back I met a woman who had one breast removed and I remember her saying that her husband still two years post-surgery did not want to see her chest. I just thought this was so horrible. I mean you are going through something hugely traumatic and then to made to feel that you need to hide your body, like it is something hideous would only add to this difficult experience. Wes was right in there helping me empty my drains, helping me dress in the morning. I think I was a bit nervous the first time he saw my new chest, but he immediately put me at ease as he almost seemed shocked by how little of a difference it made. He has told me numerous times that it doesn't make any difference at all, and still tells me I am just as beautiful. Sometimes it almost feels like "we" have cancer and this is happening to both of us and we are fighting it together. This has made me feel so much more comfortable with my new body. I was very worried about my self esteem post-surgery and yes I am not quite at a place where I feel as confident physically as before, but it is nowhere near as hard and I thought it would be. I can look in the mirror and really think things don't look that bad or unattractive, and I think I have the accepting people in my life to thank for this. It almost feels liberating in a way that I am hardly affected by the loss of my breasts. Today there are countless women (and men) out there who put such huge importance on this part of the female body. Women go through major surgery that has huge risks in order to just enlarge their breasts. It makes me feel very strong that I don't feel influenced by this aspect of society at all. Women like me can still be beautiful without breasts!

After I got over those first few bad days and then had my horrible drains taken out a week after the surgery I have felt almost like my normals self. I am driving again, meeting up with great friends for coffee/lunches and getting out doing things with mom. If only the weather was a little better so we could do more activities outside. There is still a bit of stress as I wait to find out results of a few test, including the pathology report from my surgery. This is very important as it will show how much cancer was still left in my body after chemo. The best news I could possibly get is that my breast tumour was shrunk down to only scar tissue and that the lymph nodes that were once cancerous were now cancer-free. This is the best case scenario and what I try to visualize every night when I am laying in bed. I picture these black evil spot on my breast, under my arm in lymph nodes and in my sternum and then I imagine them getting squished, shrinking and chiseled away until they are non existent. Feel free to give it a try as well. Who knows what can happen if we all put our minds towards a common goal!

The Recovery

So far recovery seems to be going well...or so they tell me. Every nurse I talk to tells me I am doing great, though I guess usually they are dealing with women twice my age. Each day seems to be getting that much better, though it is not getting easier to be in the apartment all the time sitting and “relaxing”. Every day I get up around ten, empty out my drains that are coming out of my chest (it’s as much fun as it sounds), have a bath, have breakfast and then sit down to watch some tennis (after all this I am almost ready for a nap). Today was the first day I got out of the house. Mom, Wes and I went to a restaurant about three blocks away. It felt really good to get some fresh air and get moving. I also have to do exercises to stretch my arms and shoulders. Under my left arm they removed many lymph nodes so that is the arm has the least mobility right now. It is very frustrating to go from a very active healthy person to someone who has to do little stretches and exercises in order to regain movement in the arm. A week ago we were playing tennis and going for bike rides and now it is hard to put my arm above my head. In the next couple of days I have a few things to do for a change. Tomorrow I have to go for another test, this time to make sure everything is okay with my heart after chemo (I guess I don't have enough stress right now). As for the emotional/psychological bit I think I am doing really well. When they first took off the bandages I was so scared of my reaction, but it hasn't been as bad as I expected. Don't get me wrong it's not exactly pretty, but the fact that I have a small frame, doesn't make it look too abnormal. I think the worst part is the incision that goes pretty much from one arm pit to the other. I think being able to joke about things helps as well. Tomorrow I am expecting to get some new boobs in the mail! A nurse called me from the hospital yesterday to see what size I would like. Isn't that every woman's dream to choose her breast size?! Anyways i am off to watch some more tennis and maybe a movie before getting some rest before another stressful day tomorrow.

Surgery

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I am doing well. The surgery went well and the surgeon told me that he was really pleased with how things looked. I am pretty sore and tired but eating lots and getting lots of rest. All my "nurses" are taking good care of me. I am getting up and moving around, very slowly though. I will post again in a few days when I am hopefully moving around even better.

Get This Shit Out of Me!

So Friday is the big day. Perhaps this may sound a little strange but I really haven't given it too much thought. I realize that the time is coming very quickly where I am going to have to think about it. Tomorrow will be the day where I find out the time to be at the hospital and start getting ready some of the things I will need to take with me. When people ask me if I am mentally prepared for what is going to happen my response is that I know what is going to happen, but I don't think you can really do much preparation mentally beforehand. In my mind my breasts are such a small and insignificant part of my body and who I am, that I really don't think it will be a big deal. I am almost excited to get it over with and move on. Chemo...check, surgery...almost check, and then only radiation left. Don't get me wrong, I get that it will be hard, and I will probably feel pretty rotten for a few weeks, but am I going to be traumatized, no. Some people who are reading this might be surprised by how lightly I seem to be taking this, but I just want them gone! A cancer diagnosis very quickly makes you realize what is important in life, and boobs have very little importance....especially when life itself is what is being threatened.

On another note I just thought I would gush a little bit about how great Wes is still being. First he has to get used to kissing a girl who has no hair...and next it will be a girl with no boobs. Whenever I bring it up I tell him that I can understand that it will be an adjustment for him too he say "it won't make any difference". He is also saying that he wants to help change my dressings and can help with my drainage tubes...SEXY stuff! I know it might actually be difficult for him when the time comes but I truly believe that he will be okay with everything as the only thing he wants out of all this is ME and a HEALTHY ME. He is the least superficial person I know, so I think very early on I won't have a problem showing him my new flat and scarred up chest. Time will tell as it gets a little bit closer and after the big day. Will try to keep ya posted in the days to come.

cancer posse

Taking the advice of a few wise individuals I have created a cancer posse for myself. By this I just mean a group of fellow cancer survivors that offer one another mutual support. Some of these people I have met online through YACC and have yet to meet face to face, while others I have been introduced to through others, and also through support groups and dinners I have attended. These are all people who "get it". They know and share my fears, as they too have ridden a similar roller coaster, and many of them are still riding and fighting. While I have only known some of these people for a short time there is a huge connection and they are some of the bravest people I know. Today my heart is aching for three such friends. There is my inspiration from afar who is gearing up fight breast cancer for the third time, the fighting tiger who is recovering from her mastectomy, and the young father who is about to start radiation and waiting for test results to make sure things haven't spread. I find I have been in my head a lot the last couple of days thinking of these people, thinking about their battles and also about mine. The more people I meet and the more stories that are shared the more I hate this disease. How dare it threaten such amazing and beautiful people who have so much to offer to others and who already do so much for others. I hope you all can take the cancer that is inside of you and kick the crap out of it! Show no mercy!

cancer date

Since my diagnosis I have been lucky to meet many amazing cancer survivors. It is a little bit strange how when people find out about your situation they want to "hook you up" with someone else they know who also has cancer. I have met a few people this way now. I joke that it is almost like going on a blind date. You have been told about the person and they have probably been told about you, but neither person knows what the other looks like or really what to expect. Today I met up for coffee with Alyson, an awesome girl who I met through my naturopath. Alyson and I sat and chatted for about two hours this afternoon at a coffee shop. Alyson was diagnosed over a year ago with brain cancer, an incurable form that has a 99% rate of reoccurrence. Like myself, it is almost impossible to tell that Alyson is "sick". She is so cheerful and very honest and open about her challenges. We talked about so many aspects of this disease, and about what it is like to live with something that you are told is incurable (or very likely incurable). We also talked a lot about positivity and how there are only certain people you can share ALL your thoughts with. Sometimes I have found that it is good to talk about everything that is going through my brain, even the really bad stuff. I don't think just talking about it means that I am not being positive, it's just putting it out there and maybe getting out of my just my head. Sometimes this can be a little scary for others and I get this, but sometimes putting it out there makes it seem less scary. It has been really nice to meet others who truly understand what it is like and have probably shared the exact same thoughts that I sometimes have.

Quick Update

Just writing a quick update to let everyone know that all was fine with my CT scan. Just when I was complaining that no one seems to care about leaving you waiting for results for a week I get a call from my doctor in the evening to let me know that it was fine. She said my headaches are probably just stress related....very likely. It was very nice of her to call and help to reduce some of the stress.

Busy Week

So I haven't posted in quite a while....it's been a very hectic week. On the non-medical side I went away for an extended weekend with a great group of friends. We headed to Kelowna on Thursday night and came back to Calgary Sunday night. The weekend was great, very relaxing. Lots of great food, sun, company and a little bit of wine. It was really good to get out of the city again. I felt like I could be somewhat normal, and with my new hair (I broke down and bought a wig even though I said I never would) I felt like I looked like a normal person.

So far this week has started off quite busy too. I went into the school yesterday to say hello to some teacher friends who are actually back in the classroom today with the kids. At first it was really nice to visit, but by the end I found it really hard as I watched all the other teacher rush around to get ready for the first day of school, exactly what I was doing last year and what I would be doing now if all this hadn`t happened.

Last night we got the keys to our new place and began to move in. With my brother`s wonderful help we moved all our furniture and big stuff last night and then today I have been making small trips back and forth with my car getting all the smaller stuff. It is really nice to feel like I have a fresh start in a new place, that doesn`t hold all the reminders of the first few months with cancer.

I am very happy that I have had a busy week with all this stuff as there has also been a few things going on with my illness that have me appreciating distractions. About a month ago I started having very mild headaches. At first I really didn`t think anything of it as so many chemicals and medications have been pumped into my body lately who knows what kind of side effects could happen. Well at my last oncologist appointment I mentioned this to the doctor. She didn`t appear to be worried but said that I could go for a CT scan of my head just to rule something serious out. It has really freaked me out that she thinks there is a possibility that there could also be something in my head. So on Wednesday of last week Steve and I went to Canmore for this scan. Yesterday I called the doctors office as I had heard nothing and said that I was really worried and was hoping they could give me the results ASAP so I could stop worrying. They gave me an appointment for next Tuesday....grrrrrrr!!!! I guess they can`t tell you anything over the phone, but it is so frustrating that they totally seem to disregard the emotional or stress side of having cancer. Do you know what it is like to wait for two weeks to find out if the cancer has spread more than originally thought? Please don`t worry too much those of you reading this, my headaches are almost non-existent and I am told it is very unlikely, I am just a bit of a worry-wart so I tell the doctor every little thing that I feel. Also, I finally got a call yesterday (after a bit of harassment) to let me know that I am scheduled for surgery on Friday September 3rd. This is good, as the 1st was the earliest possible day I was eligible for surgery, so they are making sure all my treatments have a very small gap in between. I am not too worried about surgery yet, and hopefully won`t be. I just want to get it over with so that I can move on an adjust. I know it will be hard but there are a lot worse things in life, so lets just get it over with!

My Goal

So today I did some thinking about some things I would like to do/accomplish after I am done treatments. I already know that I want to return to work as soon as I can, though probably not as a full time classroom teacher right away. Another goal I have set for myself is to attend a cancer survivor conference in November. If everything goes according to plan I will attend this conference very soon after finishing radiation. The conference is being held in St. John's Nfld. the first weekend of November and is put on by a great organization: Young Adult Cancer Canada. I have set myself a goal of raising $500, some of which would go to funding my attending the conference and the rest would go to YACC itself and its awesome programs for young adults like myself (yes this post is also an advertisement, shameless I know).

When I think about attending this conference it makes me both excited and scared. I am excited because I will get to meet many of the people I have been emailing with for months. I contacted YACC very soon after my diagnosis and they put me in contact with some great people, who have been able to offer me advice during some of my darkest times. I am a bit scared as well, and when I think about why it is a bit embarrassing. I used to feel so independent and strong and now the thought of traveling across the country by myself to spend 4 days with people I have never met is quite scary. I have become a bit of a "chicken" but hopefully going to this conference will cure me of this fear. Hopefully this conference will be something of a celebration for me...being done with my treatments, reaching out to connect with others who have shared this battle.

If anyone would like to donate to this cause in any way please check out this link:

http://my.e2rm.com/personalPage.aspx?SID=2684020

Chemo Brain

So the worst side effect of chemo has to be "chemo brain". I would say that I only started feeling it about 2 or 3 weeks ago, and since my last chemo treatment on Wednesday "chemo brain" has taken over. It is really a difficult feeling to describe. It is incredibly hard to focus on anything around me, and you spend long periods of time staring at walls, not even really realizing it. The expressions "space cadet", "out to lunch", "nobody's home" seem to fit. It is almost like something else has taken over your brain and I'm not really in my body anymore. Okay, when I read this back it sounds very strange and probably makes no sense to anyone else. Chemo is bad enough that it messes with all kinds of healthy cells in your body, it really sucks that it messes with your head so much too. You go from feeling like an intelligent person to questioning whether or not your are even capable of carrying on a normal conversation. As far as chemo brain goes I think today will be the worst day, as it is the first day I have been off my post-chemo medications. Hopefully as the days go on I will be able to focus a little more and not feel so drugged up all the time.

Moving

I am not sure who all I have told about this, but Wes and I will be moving in together at the end of this month. I have spent the last few days looking ad apartment postings and then last night we saw three different apartments. The first two seemed quite old and not very well taken care of. The last place we saw was really nice. It is a two bedroom, almost a thousand square feet and is very clean, with great appliances and a washer and drying in the condo. It is also really nice that it is in condo complex, so most of the condos are lived in by owners...usually better taken care of. We are going back tonight to finalize everything. We are also thinking of asking if we can move in before September 1st...maybe a week or two early, since the condo is already vacant.

If someone had told me months ago that we would move in together this early I would have said they were crazy. We have now been dating for about 5 months...not very long at all! I previously considered myself a very cautious person when it comes to relationships. So what has changed...well I guess everything. I just want to be happy, and I know Wes makes me happy. I don't really feel the need to be so cautious anymore. Time to just go for it!

The End of Chemo

This Wednesday will be chemo #6...my final chemo. Every time I tell people that it is the final one they say I must be really excited, but for some reason I'm not really feeling it. Perhaps it is because there is still so much else that has to be done (surgery and then radiation) so I'm not really feeling like this is the end of treatment. Also it could be because I still have to deal with having chemo one more time and this sucks. I know that by Sunday and Monday I will be back to laying on the couch staring at walls. I now recognize what these chemicals are doing to my head and how usually I have to put up with a few days of being depressed. The other reason I don't really feel excited to be almost finished chemo is because the thought of it being finished really scares me. Before I knew I had cancer my body was doing a pretty crappy job of protecting itself against these evil cells (even though I felt so healthy!). With the help of the chemo drugs it has been able to fight it off, though not all of it (this is what the radiation is for...cleaning up the leftovers). But I am worried about how things will go when it is back to just my body doing the fighting. A couple of cancer survivors have told me that while I am on chemo it is almost like you can relax, as you know things aren't getting worse, you are safe for a little while. After chemo is over I am no longer safe. It is then test time for my body....can it stand up for itself this time, or does it do what it did before, and let the cancer call all the shots. I am not really sure what happens if these treatments aren't enough. I am sure there is more chemo that can be taken, but this can only happen for so long, eventually it will be up to my own body to either do the work, or else.

Surgery Yuck!

Met with the surgeon today to discuss my surgery options. He was extremely positive and helped to make me feel very confident about my decisions. So my decision is that I will be having a bilateral mastectomy. That means that he will be removing my cancerous breast and some lymph nodes around it, and also removing my right healthy breast. This was what I was leaning towards and then after meeting with Dr. Austen today and hearing his advice I have decided to go for it. With my family history of cancer this will give me one less thing to worry about. It looks like the surgery will take place in about a month, as they need to wait at least 4 weeks after my last chemo treatment. Dr. Austen said that physically the surgery is not difficult. Very little recovery time as far as surgeries go. I guess the hard part is the emotional bit. It is the removal of a part of your body, a part that is our society has a lot of emphasis and importance placed on it. I am not really sure exactly how I feel about all of this. Perhaps like everything else it will just take time to sink in. Will it be hard to get used to....for sure. I am sure it will be pretty scary and hard to get used to, but nothing can be worse than the alternative.

Not a Pretty Sight

So we are almost back in Calgary after 9 wonderful days of traveling (+ 1 not so great day). Luckily the not so great day was today...at the very end of the trip and didn't ruin any of the great times had previously. Before I tell what happened this morning I will assure everyone that I am fine and my little episode was not cancer related, but the flu. I woke up very early this morning feeling very nauseous and with a not so fun case of the runs (sorry I share all the details!) About every hour for four hours I was getting up running to the washroom and getting pretty sick. Each time after I was sick I got the sweats and then got really cold quickly. The second time I even passed out for a few seconds as I got really dizzy. I remember thinking as I was sitting in front of the toilet that I wanted to lie down, and the next thing I remember was Wes running into the bathroom having to wake me up in the tub. I don't think I fell into the tub, but I think I did hit my head on the soap dispenser while laying there. Lets just say I was not in very pretty condition when he came in. It is amazing how comfortable you have to get with someone when you are sick....they see you at your absolute worst. After being sick a few more times I decided that it would be a good plan to go to the emergency room (we were luckily staying in a hotel that night, not camping). 6 am is a great time to visit emerge as it was very quiet and empty. They got me in right away, started pumping me full of fluids and did some tests. All the tests came back good and since I have never had any really problems with chemo, the doctor was pretty sure it was just a bug (that and the fact that about 4 days ago Wes was also sick). No more kissing when he is sick:) Now it has been about 12 hours since I went to the hospital and I am feeling pretty good. My body feels pretty drained but the stomach seems to be settled. Tomorrow I have a couple of important appointments, including seeing the surgeon who first diagnosed me 3 and a half months ago. I am very interested in hearing what he has to say about my surgery options.

Vacation

It is now almost a week that I have been away from Calgary. So far it has been a great trip, some much needed time away. So far we have spent nights in Kelowna, Vancouver, Tofino (3 nights) and then tonight we are staying in Nanaimo. Tonight will be our second night in a hotel, with all other nights spent camping. Yesterday was probably our best day so far. The plan was for Wes to rent some surfing gear and then I would spend the day hanging out on the beach with my book while he tried surfing for a bit. While he shopped around for the best rental price I decided that was a very lame idea, why couldn't I go surfing too? Well the answer to that question is because of my PICC line in my arm that I can't get wet. After some careful engineering with plastic bag and a lot of duct tape (very painful to remove from the skin afterwards) I was good to go (don't tell my mom). Surfing was much harder than I had imagined. Most of the time I just jumped on my board and layed on my stomach as the wave came in and I was nowhere near able to stand up quick enough to try actual surfing....still lots of fun :)

By Wednesday night we should be back in Calgary. The thought of returning to Calgary is not a very exciting one. Back to city and back to hospitals and illness. While I am never able to forget for very long what is going on at least when I have been away there are many more distractions, many beautiful views and many more laughs. Over the last week there have also been a few tears. Wes and I have been really happy together and unfortunately feeling so happy is often quickly followed by fears. Fears that things will only get worse from here. Fears that this might be the last time I visit these places or do a certain activity. When I get really sad I am often thinking about what Wes will remember about this trip if things in our lives start to go really bad. Will he think back happily about this trip, or will it just make him sad to think of all the fun times we are having. All thoughts I don't really want to be having. At least for the next four days I am going to do my best to put all the negative thoughts away and try my best to pretend that cancer doesn't exist. Wish me luck.

Staying Positive

I have noticed a definite trend in my three week chemo cycle. About 4 days after I have chemo I get quite down and depressed. This is also the period where I am no longer taking the medications/steroids they give you after chemo. Coincidence, I think not. So now that I recognize that it is the meds that are making me feel this way, I should be able to quickly snap out of it right? I wish it was that easy, but days like today it just seems like being positive is impossible. I want to just snap out of it and put the horrible thoughts that are going through my head away, but it is very difficult when you can barely even force a smile. It has also been a difficult couple of days for the people around me. I am not always the easiest person to deal with when I am really down. Last night I made the mistake of sharing a few of my really horrible thoughts with Wes. I guess I figured that it was better to share these thoughts than just keep them to myself. Sometimes he has difficulties knowing what to do when I am this way. He is so used to telling me that I will be okay, that I am fighting, so when I get to this dark place I think he doesn't know what to do. I really wish I could always be positive, especially around him, but sometimes it feels like too much effort, but then I get worried that if I don't snap out of it around him he will decide to bail, because lets face it, it's not fun being around someone who forgets how to smile and stares at the wall for hours on end. I am going to try really hard to be happy and positive for the rest of the afternoon/evening, so the whole day is not ruined. I apologize for those of you reading this...it must be pretty depressing. Tomorrow will be a new day and I will snap out of it soon, so no worries. Also, tomorrow we are off to BC for a while. This should be really good for me, getting out of the city and all the reminders of sickness. By tomorrow night we should be in sunny Kelowna and then Vancouver by Tuesday....lots of look forward to :)

Appointments

It has been a tough couple of days. Tuesday I saw my oncologist for the first time in a couple months. My last couple of appointments she had been away and I had another doctor in her place. This appointments I prepared a long list of questions that I was looking for answers for. Unfortunately some of these answers were very difficult to hear. I am not going to repeat everything that was said, as I am just starting to get back to a more positive place. Pretty much it was just a reminder of what a terrible disease I am facing, an uphill battle. Yesterday was also chemo #5. So far I have been feeling the same as every other treatment, a bit tired, have a gross taste in my mouth and a slight headache, but nothing too hard to deal with. Oh and the other news I learned on Tuesday was that I will only be having 6 chemo treatments, so only one more to go!

Alternative Treatments

It has been a busy week. I have had a few very important appointments, once with a Naturopath and my new Radiation Oncologist. I will talk about what happened with the Radiation Oncologist tomorrow in my blog, as I also see my Medical Oncologist tomorrow and have a few things to discuss with her and then might have some decisions to make. I will fill everyone in tomorrow once I have a clearer picture of things. For today I thought I would talk about my appointment with the Naturopath. I find that I am often very skeptical of these types of things so I tried to go to my appointment with an open mind. This doctor was recommended to me by a new friend who started seeing him after her own diagnosis. When I met with Dr. Matt I had already done some research on some of the alternative treatments that my friend had mentioned and went not really knowing what to expect. What I came out of the appointment with was a bit more optimism and lots of information. Dr. Matt sat down with me for over an hour and a half (my appointment was only for an hour). He explained to me what was happening in my body and what was happening with my healthy and cancerous cells. He went through each of the chemo drugs I am taking and discussed them in detail, what they are doing, how long they stay in my body and things that I should avoid when I am on each drug. He also discussed the different treatments they do and what these treatments should do to my cells and my immune system. He was very "real" and didn't seem to be trying to sell me anything. We also discussed the health care system and cancer treatment in Alberta and just talked about some of the positives and negatives. He also told me about some of the cancer treatments that are being done in other countries, often very different from what is done here in Canada. He listened to my concerns and answered all my questions. After leaving his office I felt quite positive. I have done some research on some of the things he suggested and also discussed them with my new oncologist. The doctor was not against any of these therapies and I have decided that I think I will go ahead with some of the things he suggested. I guess I feel like if it isn't going to interfere with my conventional treatment it can't hurt. Some of these treatments are quite expensive, but even if they help a little bit then it will be worth it, and who knows what could happen. Some of the treatments we discussed are mistletoe injections, receiving high doses of vitamin C intravenously, and changing diet. The best thing I got out of this appointment was a bit of control. cancer leaves you feeling helpless like things are completely out of your hands, so it is very uplifting to be told that there are things that I can do that can help fight this disease... I am not helpless with my life in others hands.

I Know Nothing

In the next week I have many important appointments. This is good as I hope that I will finally get some information on "the plan". People keep asking me what is going to happen next, when I will be done chemo, and my answer is always the same, I have no idea. The last time I talked with my oncologist was almost 2 months ago....very frustrating that they get holidays too :) and I was told that I would be getting 6-8 rounds of chemo, and also radiation and surgery was a big question mark. Now that I am approaching chemo #5 I am getting more anxious to find out if this will be my second last or if I am only half done. I will see my oncologist on Tuesday and then I am also meeting with my new radiation oncologist this Friday for a consultation. Perhaps she has been given information from my medical oncologist that I am not aware of, so hopefully I will find out lots of stuff. I have already prepared a long list of questions for each of my appointments. This Friday I am also going to see a Naturopath. I had a new friend recommend this doctor so I am going just to find out about the alternative treatments that are available. I think it will be good just to listen to his ideas and advice and see what is out there. Luckily with my appointments next week I will be able to talk to my doctor about any alternative therapies he recommends, before I start doing anything.

Kids/Family

With all the crazy stuff that has been happening in the last few months I have been trying not too think too much about things I can't control about my future. When I was first diagnosed I was told by the doctor to make a list of questions that I wanted to ask him for my next appointment. One of the first questions I thought of was "Will I be able to have children?". When I asked this question the response I got was that after I was finished with chemo and radiation I should get my period back because I am so young. A little bit of research I have done has made me question this a bit. I have read that this is not the case with all women, some go into menopause because of their treatments and don't come out of it. This all depends on the type of cancer and treatment as well. The type of cancer that I have is hormone negative, which means it is not being fed by hormones. Usually if you are hormone positive you will continue taking a estrogen blocker for up to five years after you are done treatment. Since I am negative, and since I have still been getting my period after four chemo treatments it is likely that physically I would be able to have children. The other factor though is whether I will ever be cancer free completely. I was told that if everything went well I could potentially be "cured". But this is the absolute best case scenario. There is a chance that after this is all over I will still have cancer cells in my body that I will have to live with. People can live a long time with cancer in their body as long as it is not aggressive/growing. If this is the case I am sure that having a family would not be possible. There are many women who have had cancer and then had a family, the reality is though that most of these women did not have cancer that is as advanced as mine.

A couple of weeks ago I met a woman who was only a few years older than I am. She had finished her treatment two years ago and was very pregnant when we met. I asked her what the doctors had said about her becoming pregnant. She said that one doctor had cautioned her against it for "moral" reasons. This really made me think. Is it morally irresponsible to have a baby if there is a strong chance that cancer will reoccur and you might not live to see your child grow up? These are not questions I ever really envisioned myself thinking about even a few short months ago.

Weekend Away

It was so nice to get out of the city. This was the first weekend I have been away since I became "sick". The May long weekend we tried to go away but after a bit of a panic attack we decided to turn around. This long weekend not only did we make it out of the city, but we had a great, relaxing time even with not so wonderful weather. We ended up about 45 minutes west of Fernie B.C, camping for two nights. Steve, Wes and I went and met up with a bunch of people Wes knows from Fernie. Food was great, got lots of sleep, and enjoyed the fresh air. While I never was able to forget about everything that is going on in my life, I feel like this weekend I had a sort of strange acceptance of it. I am sure that everyone who was camping with us knew what was going on, though it wasn't really talked about. I felt like I was for the first time able to be myself...but just a little bit of a different version. I could think about everything that had happened in the last 10 weeks, not get upset and almost feel like I could accept it. I was worried that coming back the city might make things harder...back to reality. So far, having been home for a couple of hours it hasn't been too bad, reality is sinking in a bit more, though it hasn't really upset me. I think one valuable lesson learned this weekend is the importance of still getting out and living. I can't let cancer stop me from doing all the things I really enjoy. I can't just tell myself that after I get better I will go back to being me....I can be me right now, just a slightly different version.

Envy

So lately I have been going through a little bit of a "why me" phase. I never really questioned it before, why this had happened to me, I just figured it is what it is. The last couple days I have been stuck in my head a lot more trying to snap my way out of this "funk". I find that when I am out in public I am always watching other people, thinking about how they seem to be walking around without a care in the world. I can't even imagine what that is like now, just walking down the street and not having a dark cloud hanging over your head. I think about how much I would like to just trade places with these carefree people. I also find that I am watching older people a lot. As soon as I see someone who is older the first thought in my mind is I hope I will get to be that old. They are so lucky...they get to age...they've had their families, careers, done many things in their lives. I also think about how for the most part I think I have led a very healthy life. How is it fair that now I have cancer when there are so many people out there who do horrible things to their bodies and they won't have to deal with this. What is the benefit or working so hard to be "healthy"? I also have a bit of "cancer envy". By this I mean that lately I have met a number of people who also have/had cancer. For the most part the people I am meeting have an earlier stage of cancer than I do. When we are talking about our situations and sharing stories I often think how "lucky" they are that they only have stage two breast cancer for example. No cancer is good, and no one is lucky in this situation, but I can't stop thinking about how much I wish this had been caught earlier, and how much easier the battle would be if it was an earlier stage.

Delayed Diagnosis

Rather than discussing my day tonight I thought I might find it helpful to get a few thoughts out on a topic is unfortunately very present with young adult cancer survivors. Statistics show that young adults have between 7-10% lower chance of surviving their cancers than children and older adults, Why is this? One reasons is that much research has been done one childhood and adult cancers, and not nearly as much for the middle group. Also as a young adult our bodies are still changing, we are not children anymore but often our bodies do not respond to treatments in the same ways as older adults.

The other reason for these lower rates is delayed diagnosis. I believe in my situation my delayed diagnosis was a result of many factors. Firstly as a young adult you feel invincible. I never expected to have breast cancer at 27 and therefore did not panic when symptoms slowly started to emerge. People my age don't get breast cancer! This is in fact very far from true as I have met many young amazing women fighting this same disease. Feeling invincible and like I was in the greatest shape of my life led me to delay going to the doctor, and therefore delayed my diagnosis. This part is all on my shoulders. The other culprit in the story of delayed diagnosis is out health care system itself. When I finally acted on my symptoms I was told by numerous people in numerous different ways that I had nothing to worry about. This is very common, couldn't be cancer. Most women can't even begin breast screening until their 40's. When I was told by three doctors that there was no way that I had cancer I believed them. And when I asked why they had been so wrong the response I got was that because of my age it was so unlikely and things just didn't seem abnormal. My story is definitely not unique. Over the last few months I have met many young breast cancer and other young cancer survivors who tell a very similar story. We don't expect that we will have cancer and neither do the doctors, so by the time we are diagnosed we are often considered more advanced. The fact of the matter is that young adults are diagnosed every day with cancer...it does happen and this needs to be acknowledged.

The purpose of this blog was not to have people worrying about their own bodies. I was told that 80-90% of breast lumps are nothing, and that is true. But you need to trust your own body. The only person who is able to advocate for your health is you...the doctors will not do that for you. If you are told that it is probably nothing, ask for that extra test just to make sure. And when you find out that it really was nothing you will know that you did the right thing and advocated for your body!

The Dumps

Okay, so that last few days I have been in a bit of a funk and know that it is time to snap out of it. I hate to use the word depression, as I've never really been depressed before, but I guess that might be the best word to describe it. At other times I feel almost hopeless like there is an impossible mountain to climb, or just helpless like things are completely out of my hands and I am just waiting to find out what will happen with me. It is a bit frustrating because now that I have gotten some good news I feel like I should be more positive and happy, but I just can't seem to snap out of this mood. I think a lot of it has to do with lack of sleep. The last few nights I have spent many hours lying awake, waiting for sleep to come. It has been frustrating and attempts to take naps during the day have not worked either.

I guess I am lucky though, as I have many people who keep trying to pick me back up. Just when I am feeling lonely I receive reminders from people who are here to support and cheer me up. Just today I received a huge box in the mail filled with probably dozens of little gifts, from my aunt and cousins back in Ontario. The goal is to open one every day when I need to be picked back up...so sweet.

I have also today received a number of emails from supporters, some who I have recently connected with through support groups, all reminding me that I am not alone. I think I am going to try to connect with some of these people a little more, perhaps get together with some other awesome cancer chicks in the next few days...they always seem to know what to say.

I have wonderful friends who are always trying to distract me, getting me out of the house, pushing me to get off my ass and laugh with them. As hard as it seems sometimes to get ready and go out to do something I always feel better after...so please keep pushing and I will do my best to stop resisting as I truly realize where I need to be is with these awesome people. I hope you know how awesome you are!

There is also my mom, who went a way for the weekend, but still had to call to make sure I was doing okay even though she was supposed to be getting away from all these worries...I really do appreciate her love...I can't imagine what this is like for her either.

And then there is Wes...who when he wakes up every morning has no idea which Kim he will get that day. In previous weeks it was usually the cheery/optimistic Kim (sometimes a struggle to get her going) but more lately it has been a much quieter version who spend hours lying on the couch staring off into space with the occasional meltdown with many tears.

I know that nothing is as difficult as what I am dealing with right now, but I know that it is often not easy for others in my circle of support and love as well. I try to make things easier for everyone to deal with, but sometimes my dark sides just have to come out and for those of you who have been a part of that I want to apologize and also thank you for being there in those moments. Because as scary as they have been, they have also been necessary for me to just let it out...and after I have let it out does it ever feel good to have someone there to help me get back up.

My Needle

So today's exciting activity was giving myself an injection. Previously I had been going to the hospital the day after chemo to get this injection which boosts my immune system. Talking with other people I learned that you didn't really have to go to the hospital as you could just have someone give you the needle or you could do it yourself. So I decided to cancel my appointment at the hospital and give it a try myself. The plan was that Wes would give me the needle, but as he was busy working all day at his place and I was at mine, I decided that I really want to be brave and give it to myself. So with Erin reading the instruction we did it. You can choose from a few different places to inject...mainly the fatty places on your body. At the hospital they gave it to me in the back of the arm, but tonight I decided the easiest place was in the stomach. I really didn't hurt that much, and afterward I was actually quite proud of myself.

Chemo #4

Today was #4. So far I am feeling just like I had the last 3 time. A little tired, not really hungry, but feeling overall quite good. Wes went with me again this time, not the most exciting way for either of us to spend the morning, but it is nice not to be alone for sure...he is good company...makes me laugh with his corny jokes.

Last night I felt like I should have been celebrating my good news, but for some strange reason was feeling low and had a few pity moments. The worst I was laying in bed last night thinking about how I want to grow old (wrinkles, gray hair, fat... bring it on!) and how I want to have a family. I was thinking about how Wes would probably still get to do all that stuff, perhaps with someone else...but the odds are not in my favour. When he asked me why I was crying and I told him he said that he didn't want to do that with anyone else, he wanted that with me. That made me cry even more. Like I have said before, if having cancer was just about the physical battle this would be a breeze. I try to be positive, but sometimes it seems impossible to. I just have to keep reminding myself that things are getting better. Everyone says that the worst part about having cancer is the first few months....things will settle down soon hopefully.

Test Results Day

Today was a bit of a stressful day. My appointment to see my oncologist was at 1:30 and for the second time in a row my oncologist was away, on holidays this time. I saw the same replacement doctor as last time. Again this was frustrating as I had prepared a long list of question, all of which I asked, but most of which couldn't be answered by this doctor. I did however receive good test results. The results were very vague but still positive. I can't remember exactly how it was worded but all it said in the report about my bone scan was something along the line of the bone is "less effected" than before and there are no new effected spots. The CAT scan report said that my left breast is still larger than my right...whatever that means...they don't tell you how large the tumor is. And also this scan said that the lymph nodes under my arm could no longer be detected. The doctor also examined me and said that the tiny lumps under my arm are likely scar tissue, not cancerous...and she said that my cancerous breast was not much different than the healthy breast. These results were all good, though it was still a little bit frustrating as the doctor was very emotionless and it almost seemed like I was getting bad news as I receiving this good news. I still have lots of questions and I'm still wondering what the next step will be after chemo but I guess I will have to wait until next appointment to figure that out. I think the next three weeks will be good ones though. I am feeling good, I know things are working and I have to just keep being strong and positive! Chemo day #4 tomorrow.

Bad Genes

So this morning I met with a genetic counselor to discuss my going for genetic testing. I asked my doctor for this referral as my mom found out in January that she is a carrier of a genetic mutation they have labeled BRCA1. Pretty much if you have this mutation you have quite high odds of developing breast or ovarian cancer in women and prostate cancer for men. The percentages are quite staggering, up to a 70% chance of developing breast cancer in your lifetime. Pre-cancer I had planned on going for this testing, as knowing you carry this mutation allows you to go for more screening earlier in life. As I already know that I have breast cancer it is very very likely that I carry this mutation as well. I didn't really learn anything new that will assist with my treatment at this appointment, but it was very interesting. For women who carry this mutation they recommend that screening begin at 25. This is very good, as pre-cancer I was told that I shouldn't have anything to worry about until I hit my 40's. I also was told that the odds of having this gene, if they just took a random sample for people off the street was 1/800. This is not the type of lottery I want to win! So for me now what does this mean. Well I was already planning on having surgery if I am able to, to prevent further breast cancers. It also means that I may want to have a hysterectomy young too...dependent of if I want or can have children. These are definitely things that I did not expect to have to worry about at 27.

Tomorrow is going to be a big day. I will get my blood taken at noon to make sure I am good to go for chemo #4 on Wednesday, and at 1:30 I will be meeting with my oncologist. This is the day when I get the results of my CAT scan and bone scan. I am not too worried about these test results anymore as I know that things are shrinking in 2/3 places....I am sure that tomorrow I will be told that it is shrinking everywhere. It would be extremely rare/unlikely for it to be working in my breast and sternum but not in my lymph nodes. It will still be highly stressful. I have prepared a long list of questions to ask the doctor, some of the answers might be difficult for me to hear, but they are questions that have been in my mind for a while. I will have my "entourage" with me so make sure my questions all get asked (sometimes when I am nervous I forget things and just want to get stressful situations over with :). I am confident that tomorrow will be a good day and there will need to be some sort of celebration tomorrow night!

Pre-Chemo Weekend

So far it has been a really good weekend. We (Steve, Wes and I) are playing in another ball tournament and the weather has so far been cooperating. It was around 20 degrees today, with only a brief thundershower and then returned to sunshine. Two weekends ago I played part time in a tournament. It was a lot of fun, though I was very tired at the end. That was only 3 days after I had chemo and was just coming off of the anti-nausea medications they give me. I think I will feel a lot better after this tournament as I have been feeling almost 100% the last couple days. My energy has been high and I haven't been having any aches or pains. We have another game tomorrow morning and then possibly a hockey game tomorrow afternoon....so lots of activity. I will head to bed early tonight and rest up. It is great to have an active busy weekend before my return to being a "sick person" next week.

Missing the Sun

Not much new to report today. Again the day was filled with little things. The good news is that I woke up this morning well rested after my first solo night in a while. After getting up and getting ready for the day I met some teacher friends for a quick but yummy lunch. The afternoon was spent couch surfing /movie watching. The plan for tonight was to meet a friend at 5 for coffee and a tour of her new place. After sitting in traffic for an hour and a half, it was 5:30 and we decided to post pone until the weekend....grrrr Calgary traffic....oh well lesson learned. So for tonight I am just trying to keep warm. It was another cold, rainy, damp day in Calgary....depressing. I have always found that I am often cold when others aren't, but lately I have been extra cold. I have heard of others experiencing this too from chemo....that and the lack of body hair to keep me warm :)

Good Days

The last few days have been quite good. With the good news I received on Monday I have been much more relaxed. I feel like I know things are working and I haven't been feeling the aches and pains like I was before. It is funny how the mind works, as soon as you stop worrying about something you don't even notice it anymore. The last few days I have also been spending quite a bit of time alone. During the day I have been doing little things, sometimes meeting up with friends for lunches and dinners, but the majority of time I have been on my own. This has gone pretty good, though time seems to go much faster when you are with people. Tonight will also be my first night alone in a long time. I think it has been probably 6 weeks since I have done this. While this may seem silly to others reading this, for me it feels like a big step. If I wake up in the middle of the night it will be just me and my thoughts, but now those thoughts have turned a bit more positive. It was my choice to spend the night by myself and I am confident it will be okay. I feel like such a big girl :)

Some Good News

Just about two months ago I went for my first bone scan. It was not a pretty day as I knew something was wrong when they kept scanning my chest and sent me for extra chest x-rays. The technician told me there was something in my chest...which technically she shouldn't have, but I kept asking her why the extra scans. I ended up crying in the parking lot with my mom for a while before we could leave. Today was bone scan #2. When a wonderful friend and I arrived at the clinic all those bad memories came back. I kept wondering what this scan would show...had it grown? Had it spread to any new bones? I had been told that with this localized spread being so close to by breast it could still be "gotten" with radiation and therefore I can be cured...but if things get worse this is probably not a possibility. Anyways scan number 2 lasted about 15 minutes and then I anxiously waited for the technician to come get me out of the machine. She seemed to be taking a long time and I could see her sitting in front of her computer looking at something...not a good sign in my mind. When she returned she told me that things "looked really good". After I stopped crying I asked her what she meant by this. She took me back into the the room with the computers and pulled up both my scans...the one from April and then today's. On April's scan you could see a black section on my sternum...a fairly large black mark...I might guess at least 3 inches. On the new scan there was no black, only a slightly darker gray colour...almost the same colour as the rest of my bones. She said that it still had to be looked at by the doctor but by what she could see things have shrunk tremendously. Again the tears started to flow. When I got out to the waiting room my friend was patiently waiting, took one look at my red, tear stained face and got worried. We went right outside and I shared the good news with her...what a moment. I know this is only a small step/victory. I am still waiting to get the official results from my oncologist on Tuesday and also get my CAT scan results, but at least for the next few days I think I can hold onto this little bit of good news. As least I know that the chemo is working and if it is working in my breast and sternum then there shouldn't be any bad news from the CAT scan. Since all the cancerous cells in my body are the same, no mater of the location, the chemo should be working on all of them. It will still be difficult waiting for next Tuesday to come, but at least now I know that the ache that I have been having in my chest the last few weeks is not a sign that the cancer is spreading, but from the poison doing its job!

The Weekend

So far the weekend has been great, as finally the weather is Calgary is resembling summer. Yesterday we biked around downtown in the morning and ended up a the Caribbean Festival lying in the grass listening to music and soaking up the sun. After a while we headed home, read in the backyard for a bit and then met up with my brother to play some tennis. Last night was my second cancer Club meeting. There were about 10 of us there this time and we sat out on the patio or Karma house....it was a perfect evening. I think of all the people there I was the only one still undergoing treatment, so there were lots of people to give me advice. One of the chemo nurses from the Tom Baker cancer Center was also there and I was able to ask her some questions I have been worrying about, which settled my nerves a little bit and made me feel much better. One conversation the group had did worry me a bit though. When we were talking about the side effects of chemo the nurse said that it is good to be having side effects because this means that the chemo is working. This concerned me because I really haven't had all that many side effects, especially after treatments two and three. There have been some things like losing my hair, heart burn, churning stomach, dry mouth, but nothing like some people experience. Here I was thinking I was doing so well not having many side effects and I left the meeting almost wishing I was in rougher shape. As many people have told me, I am probably just looking for new things to worry about. Constant worrying is one of the side effects they don't tell you about in the little pamphlets, but I am definitely suffering from that! Anyways the meeting was really good. I ended up chatting with one couple about non-cancer things, like hiking, climbing and travels which was really nice. This afternoon there is a BBQ with the same group that I will be going to, should be lots of fun and more new people to meet.

NOTE - I have decided to stop capitalizing the word cancer. Right now my life is pretty much revolving around it, so in my mind not capitalizing takes some importance away from it.

CAT Scan Today

Today I had my CAT scan. The scan itself is pretty easy. Last time I had one I had to drink about 2 liters of liquid first and then have the test, but this time I didn't as they were only scanning my abdomen and chest. They do have to set up an IV though and briefly give you some kind of stuff that makes you feel warm all over and feel like you have to pee. The entire scan takes about 10-15 minutes. I am pretty freaked out about waiting for the results. I have no idea what the results will be. Sometimes I am so positive and other times I am not so positive. The results of this test and my bone scan on Monday will tell a lot. Either the chemo is working and my body is fighting this or it is not working...and I'm not sure how I will deal with this. I am told that I am undergoing "aggressive treatment", so if I am not responding to aggressive treatment it is hard to optimistic. I am not sure exactly when I will get the results. I have appointment on June 22 so I suspect I will find out then....how I will fill my time and distract myself until then I have no idea. I suspect the next few weeks will be filled with ups and downs as I wait.

So Tired

Sleep has not been easy to come by the last few days. I have been exhausted but as soon as I close my eyes I feel wide awake. I have even been taking my little blue pills which last week would magically make me sleep through the whole night, but sadly they don't seem to be as effective anymore...I hate relying on drugs, but lying awake for hours with only my thoughts is just not a good thing. The aches and pains are also worse when I have not slept well, so sleep needs to be top priority.

Today was a decent day. This may not sound like much, but for the first time in weeks I spent the entire day by myself. I would love to say that it went perfectly smoothly with no break downs...but that wouldn't be the full truth. The morning was a bit rough, but with the help of a friend I was able to pull myself out of bed and get on with my day. It was good for me to be alone. I was able to show myself that I could do it, and it also gave Wes a break from babysitting me. One thing I really miss is my independence. I used to love those few moments of solitude where you could be alone with your thoughts, but now I avoid them at all costs. I am completely reliant on those around me to distract me and pick me up when I am down, and I hate this. So much of my life has changed in the last 2 months... I barely recognize myself in the mirror and rarely feel like the strong independent girl I used to be so proud of.

To end on a positive thought I will just say that once I have beaten this I will see someone even stronger emerge. I will no longer be completely reliant on others, but at the same time will have learned the value of asking for help and letting others be there for me when it is needed....I think this is a valuable lesson.

Ups and Downs

It is amazing how quickly my mood and how I am feeling can change. Yesterday was one of the best days I have had in a long time. I played in a slow-pitch tournament, was outside all day, and was for the first time able to forget about things somewhat...at least more than I have been able to before. I felt great last night. I was exhausted, sore but this felt normal. Even this morning I woke up feeling good. We headed back to out last ball game, where I played half the game and then came home around 3 this afternoon....and then crash! I think the exhaustion hit me hard around this time. I curled up in bed, laying with my eyes open for about 3-4 hours...no sleep laying there. I felt depressed and didn't know what to do to get out of it. I kept thinking about all the aches and pains I have been feeling for the last few weeks and what could be happening inside my body. Eventually I got up had some food to eat and somewhat snapped out of it, though I still feel like there is a dark cloud hanging over my head. I am hoping after a good nights sleep things will seem better in the morning

I Miss Beer, Chicken Wings and Cheesecake

Thanks to a wonderful new friend I was introduced to a new author named Kris Carr who has written two awesome books about being a cancer survivor. I have almost finished both books....yes I am reading them both at the same time which really doesn't make sense to me either :) Anyways, the books are filled with lots of uplifting tips and advice for how to get through this most difficult time in your life. One topic she is really passionate about it nutrition and eating an organic raw food diet. While this all sounds good, it quite difficult for a carnivore, french fry loving girl. So I am trying to incorporate this into my diet slowly. Right now I am trying for 50% and that has been a struggle. Every day I choke down 750 ml of green juice (cucumber, celery, kale and broccoli).... I try to imagine I am drinking a chocolate milk shake, but that doesn't really work. For the other 50% I am trying to eat as healthy as I can. That means no red meat, alcohol :(, fried foods, dairy products, sugar (other than found naturally in organic fruits), white flour, juice/pop. So this may leave you wondering what in the world I am actually eating. Well most mornings begin with a couple of cups of hot water with lemon (man I feel like an old lady). That is followed by lots of green gunk. For lunch I will have a big salad or perhaps a sandwich made from whole wheat bread. Dinner perhaps salad, whole wheat pasta, veggies, piece of fish or chicken....and dessert....well I'm still trying to figure that one out....sometimes a handful of blueberries. The other day at the grocery store Wes bought a mini cheesecake for his dessert...if looks could kill! I am told that as time goes on this diet will become easier...I hope it hurries up as it sometimes feels like a new form of torture.

Kicking Ass Day #3

This morning I had my third chemo treatment. All went well and I had my big brother to keep me company. The entire process lasts about 3 hours and is painless. People are really friendly, the even bring you drinks and cookies if you want! The worst part is that they are pumping you with so many fluids and telling you to drink lots of water, so it seems like you are always peeing! I still get a lot of stares when I am at the cancer centre. I know this is because most of the patients are at least 30-40 years older than I am. Hopefully I will get used to this. I really hate the pity looks though. The looks where you know exactly what they are thinking. I was on the phone making an appointment the other day and when I told the women my age her response was "awwww you are younger than I am". Yes I know that I am young! Yes I know that it isn't really fair! But those are the cards I have been dealt and I don't need reminders from people. Sorry hope that didn't sound too angry:) Anyways I am doing good, going to try to force myself to go for a walk right now even though the couch looks so much more appealing.

Amazing People

Just a quick note to thank all the amazing people that I have in my life. It is too bad that it takes something serious like this to truly appreciate how lucky I am to have such a wonderful support system. In the last two months I have been amazed at how everyone has been there and how people I really don't know all that well have sent their love and words of encouragement. There are so many amazing people out there, and ones that I look forward to getting to know better. I know that one day when someone else needs it I will be there to return the favour. Thank you!

The Coming Week

As far as the weeks go, this week would be considered a busy one. It is chemo week. How exciting! This will be my third treatment...out of either six or eight. While chemo is only a couple of hours on Wednesday it seems like there is lots to do to get ready. Tuesday I have my pre-chemo blood work and oncologist check up. I feel a bit nervous about these, which I wasn't at all last time. Last blood work my white blood cell count was borderline....meaning they almost didn't give me chemo on my scheduled day. Worst case scenario I might have to wait a couple extra days to get my treatment. While this doesn't sound like much it would be a huge let-down. I kinda psych myself up for treatment and strangely enough almost look forward to the day. It is one more treatment I can check off my calendar and I feel like when I am receiving this lovely cocktail of poison I am safer...the cancer is being fought...something is being done other than just waiting. The other reason I am a bit nervous is because this time I have had some side effects, whereas after treatment #1 I had nothing really to report to the doctor. This time I have felt some aches and pains throughout my body and my stomach seems to be always churning (I am sure these are completely normal but in my lowest moments I can convince myself that they are bad signs). Also to get ready for Wednesday I need to make sure my refrigerator is well stocked, my prescriptions have been picked up and all the little loose ends that I have been putting off have been tied up. Oh ya and on Friday I am going to see a therapist! How exciting! I made the call last week after my roller coaster kept refusing to go up the next hill (maybe that only makes sense to me :) So far I have been doing lots to help my body heal and fight, it is time to do a little work on my mind...the part of me that has been suffering and struggling the most with all of this.

The Weekend

DISCLAIMER - I usually try not to be negative in my posts and write about the really bad days because those are better forgotten, but sometimes it is difficult to avoid. Unfortunately the weekend camping trip did not happen. A few days before I started having little aches and pains in my stomach and chest. This completely freaked me out and was all I thought about day and night. I kept on getting reassured by people that this was normal, often happens with chemo, but still couldn't focus on anything else. Saturday morning after not sleeping the night before I decided that we should go camping anyways...I needed a distraction and what good would it do sitting around worrying. Wes got all of his stuff packed, packed the car and then we drove all the way to Chain Lakes (about an hour and a half from Calgary...still 2 hours away from Fernie, our destination). The whole car ride I was worried. I worried about being so far away from Calgary, so far away from the hospital. So when we got to Chain Lakes we turned the car around and headed back to Calgary. Wes was great the whole time, said it would be better to go on a weekend with promising weather anyway, but I still felt like shit. It is probably better not to share what was happening in my head the whole way home and for the rest of the afternoon. Instead when we got back I called the hospital and talked to a doctor who assured me that this was all normal, not a sign that things were getting worse. He said that since I have already seen such good results in some parts of my body the cancer is very unlikely to be spreading in others (since all the cells are the same cancer cells). He prescribed me some pills in case the pain got bad, including a sleeping pill which was much needed. Since then my mood has improved a lot, though there are still a few times where I have had to force myself to "snap out of it". Also, my brother arrived from Ontario yesterday. He drove across the country with his cat to spend at least the summer in Calgary. He can work from his company's Calgary office here, but made the decision to move here after I found out I was sick. I really am surrounded by awesome people!

My Head is Cold

So far I think I have done okay embracing my new "G.I. Jane" look. It's actually kinda nice not having to spend any time on your hair in the morning and not really caring what you look like. The one thing I am noticing though is how cold I am all the time. I guess I never really realized how much insulation hair provides. If it doesn't warm up in Calgary soon I think I might have to start sleeping with a hat! So I have found a new admiration for my bald friends and the sacrifices they are making....but I guess many of you guys don't really have a choice either:) This weekend I am going camping in Fernie. The weather is not supposed to be very good so perhaps I will need to be wearing two hats to keep warm at night. I am really looking forward to getting away and really hope that I can forget about things at least somewhat.

The Worst Part

So far I would have to say the physical side of having cancer and chemo has been a breeze. I feel no pain and the chemo side effects have been very minimal. I don't have a huge appetite and for a few days after chemo I don't have a lot of energy. The last couple days I have also started to get some heart burn which I've never had before, but nothing too serious. The only other physical side effect is the hair loss which just seems so insignificant when you think about the big picture. So by far the worst part is the emotional stuff. I don't think a minute goes by in the day where I am not thinking about it in some way. I am constantly worrying that this thing is spreading elsewhere in my body. Every tiny ache or cramp I get freaks me out, sends me into a panic. These pains are so minimal that previously I would have thought nothing of them, but now I am convincing myself that they have to do with the cancer. Maybe if I had had more physical pain this wouldn't be the case but I feel like I have no idea what is going on in my body. Since I feel so healthy but am apparently very far from that I feel like anything could be happening inside me and I would have no idea.

Insert Clever Title Here

The start of another long week....yuck! I used to dread Monday's because it meant the weekend was over and it was back to work for another week. Now I dread 5 days of very little to do while everyone else has to go to work. It is pretty sad when the most eventful part of your day is going to Shopper's Drugmart to fill the latest prescription. That was today's big activity along with making some phone calls to change appointment times and heading to Wes' place for the afternoon. I'm not too sure how I would be managing without him to entertain me. So far I have spent most of my boring days hanging out at his place on his couch while he works on his computer. It's not the most exciting way to fill the day but it sure does beat being alone. If I get sad or my mind starts to wander to places that it really shouldn't at least I have someone to distract me and make me laugh. Being alone sucks. I don't even really get upset anymore when I am alone...no crying...just thinking, which is usually not a good thing. I guess it is going to be a long few months....but hopefully things will just feel so much more amazing once all this shit is over :)

The Blahs

So it is the day after chemo #2. So far I am feeling pretty good. I ate yesterday around 3ish and have just had my first meal today at noon...some yogurt. It is amazing how my appetite just disappeared. For the last couple weeks I have been eating like crazy trying to gain some of that 10+ pounds I lost in the first week or so. I think I am now up almost 5 pounds which is a good start, but need to keep eating through this session so I don't lose it again.

I had a little bit of a mini breakdown last night. I had been doing so well and prior to yesterday's treatment had been feeling "normal" so it was easier to pretend and forget everything that was going on. Last night just the exhaustion started to hit and I briefly broke down after finishing watching a movie. I just sat and started to cry thinking about how much I wished things weren't like this....how much I wish this wasn't happening to me. After about 20 minutes of feeling sorry for myself I got a call from a coworker and this quickly snapped me out of my self pity :) After that I went to bed and got about 13 hours of good sleep! I didn't wake up until 11....I never do this!

So far I am just trying to fill my day. I have been responding to emails and guess I will go make lunch now. After that I am going to for a walk and then dinner out tonight with friends.

Chemo Day

Today was chemo day #2. For a little while I was concerned that I may not even be able to have chemo today. Yesterday I had to go for blood tests to make sure that my system was ready to be destroyed again. I guess my white blood count was lower than they like...but luckily they decided it was close enough and I could have treatment today. When I got to the clinic today they noticed that my PICC line - tube thingy in my arm - had come out a bit. They sent me for a chest x-ray to make sure it was still in a vein in my chest and then called my oncologist to see if they could still give me chemo. After a couple of hours it was decided that I was good to go....man I don't need anymore stress. Chemo itself is a fairly easy process. You sit in a chair hooked up to an IV for a few hours with nurses coming over to check on you every few minutes. You really feel nothing...just bored. Today Wes came with me and helped to entertain me. After chemo we went to Subway and I ate an entire foot long sub!!! I am trying to eat lots now because I know my appetite will be going soon. So now it has been about 3 hours since I left the hospital and I am beginning to feel quite tired and have a bit of a headache. I didn't sleep the greatest last night which could partially account for my tiredness and the fact that I have just been given some serious chemicals :) Hopefully things will go as smoothly as last time and I will be back to normal in a few more days.

Inspiration

Yesterday to fill my day I started doing some more research on breast cancer and various aspects of cancer treatment. Previously I don't think I was ready to do this as it can be a bit overwhelming and scary. While at times I found myself getting a little down reading some of the information I also found quite a few sites that picked me back up and became sources of inspiration. One of these sites is Young Adult Cancer Canada. So far I have found it somewhat difficult to find people who can relate to what I am going through. Sure many people have had cancer and know people who have, but how many have had it in their 20's. It is very strange to go the the Tom Baker Cancer Centre as a young adult...in a way you feel like a bit of a celebrity. Everyone looks at you as you walk by, sometimes they even start whispering to the person they are with...all because you are young and in everyone's mind shouldn't be going through this. So anyways back to the website. I think it is really great because you can read profiles of young people that have had cancer or have cancer. And to my surprise, there are actually others out there who have had breast cancer in their 20's....I'm not the only one! Anyways if you ever need a story of inspiration on a bad day check out this site...there are some amazing stories and people on it. Two that really hit home with me are Dawn Cleary and Elizabeth Knox...a couple of times when reading these I actually got goosebumps as it sounded just like me :)

http://www.youngadultcancer.ca/community/profiles/

Cancer Club

Saturday night I went to my first support group meeting. It is a group for young adults with cancer or for those who have had cancer. I wasn't really sure what to expect when I arrived and was a little surprised that there were only three of us there. The other two girls L and H were extremely nice and inviting. They made me feel comfortable right away. We talked about all kinds of issues and each of us told our story. They were wonderful listeners and also gave lots of helpful advice about what I could expect and tips to manage side effects and get through it. While I was so impressed by these girls I did feel somewhat out of place. When I was thinking about why this was I realized it was because I didn't feel at all sick. Both other girls have been through so much already and I guess I am just getting started. I am not in any pain nor do I feel that least bit tired. In fact the day before the meeting I went for a 5 k run with a friend and that day played 5 floor hockey games in a tournament. I have to keep reminding myself that I have cancer because I don't feel the least bit different. I listened to L and H talk and felt to bad for what they had gone through and were going through. I had trouble seeing the similarities in our situations or imagining myself going through the same. Is this because things have not sunk in? Or is it because my situation will be completely different? I am resisting the label of "sick person". I am starting finally look the part, at least in terms of my hair or lack thereof, and don't like that pretty soon people will be just able to look at me and know that I have cancer. I don't feel sick and therefore don't want others to think of me this way. Perhaps this is a little strange.

Boredom

For the last three weeks I have been running from appointment to appointment almost every day. There have been only a few days where there has been very little to do. For the last couple days I have had no appointments and with my mom back in Ontario I have had to find other ways to entertain myself. This has not been easy. As a teacher with 2 months off every summer I often found it difficult to keep myself entertained during the days. After about a month I was usually ready to go back to school because I was sick of sitting around. Yesterday I spent most of the day on my computer and then watched 2 movies. By the end of the day I felt a bit like a zombie. Before I was diagnosed I was always on the go. I worked usually 8-10 hour days and then was rarely home in the evenings as I was out with friends or playing on my sports teams or in the mountains for the weekend. I miss this busy fast paced life style. So much in my life has changed in the last few weeks but having to change my lifestyle is probably one of the hardest. I guess I need to get a more relaxed hobby...no more rock climbing or 8 hour Saturday hikes...this sucks. I have lots of books and movies to watch and I guess I can go for lots of walks but this just isn't the same. I feel like cancer is making me lazy...I can't work and I can't do the activities that I love. 2010 is going to be a very long year.

Shrinking!

When my mom was undergoing treatment for her cancer last year she had already had surgery and was told that they didn't think there was any cancer left in her. My situation is a little different. I am having chemo before surgery so the tumor is still in me. When I was first diagnosed 3 weeks ago it really scared me that I could feel the tumor and even see it when I looked in the mirror. I hated showering and would wear many layers of clothing at all times even when I was sleeping. It was scary because I would be able to tell if the chemo was working and I would feel and see if it kept growing. The exciting thing is that I can also feel how much it has shrunk! At first I thought maybe this is all in my head, maybe it hasn't actually shrunk yet just wishful thinking. Now I know this is not true. I never was told exactly how big the tumor was (it was big!) but if I had to guess I would have to say that it is about half the size it was 3 weeks ago!!! This is insane!!! I can also barely feel the lymph nodes under my arm. One was about 2 cm in diameter before. I am very excited for my oncologist appointment on Tuesday so I can share my good news :) The oncologist had told me about a patient she has in her 30's with breast cancer who had great results after only two treatments...and I have only had one so far! This also makes me excited for my next chemo session next Wednesday (yes I know it sounds strange...I can't wait for chemo!). If I have had this much change after one treatment, just wait until I have had 3 or 4 treatments! There has been so much bad scary news in the last few weeks so the knowledge that this is actually working makes me feel amazing!

Back to Normal???

In the last few days I have been trying my best to get "back to normal". This seems a little strange because I'm not really sure what normal is anymore. I have been going out with friends most evenings trying to do the same things I always did. I even played floor hockey this past weekend...I guess this was against doctors orders but I feel completely normal, same energy and it felt so amazing to run! I think while I am still able I need to keep doing these things...help keep myself sane :)

So what is not normal is my hair. I knew that it would start to fall out between 2-4 weeks after my first treatment. Tomorrow will be 2 weeks. So last Thursday Wes and I shaved one another's heads. I thought it would be really scary but it was actually kinda fun. I don't think I ever cut my hair when I was a little kid, but that is how it felt. I took out the scissors and just cut off a big chunk and sat there looking at it. I didn't want to look in the mirror until it was all done. When I finally looked I was actually pleasantly surprised...it didn't look horrible, and I've actually got a few compliments about it. So for now I have about 1 cm of hair all over my head, though I have already noticed a few extra hairs falling out in the shower every morning. Oh well it's only hair it will grow back :)

This afternoon I have to drive my mom and brother to the airport. Mom has been here for almost 3 weeks now and it really is time for her to head home. It will probably be hard for her to leave as she has been so amazing and strong for me. But I think we both know that it is time. I need to try to get back to "normal" and so does she.

Feeling Good

So yesterday was probably the scariest day of my life...but the scary part was over very quickly. I had an appointment with my oncologist to get the results of my CAT scan and bone scan. I laid awake the night before stressing about whether or not the cancer had spread anywhere else, and how I would handle sitting there listening to the news. Well the news ended up being good. I knew that there had been some spreading to my sternum, where I had been having a bit of pain, but other than that nothing had spread. The other good news was that it looks like I only have two lymph nodes affected under my arm. Wow, finally some good news...I was beginning to wonder if good news existed anymore.

So it looks like I keep going on the course I am on. 6-8 rounds of chemotherapy (once every 3 weeks) then surgery if everything is going well and then radiation...which the doctor is confident will also be able to take care of the spot on my sternum. While this news was amazing...it did keep hitting me that I still do have cancer and that this is a long road ahead of me with no guarantees.

Today I feel great...I feel excited about life and like I can appreciate everything so much more! Tomorrow is head shaving day :) I am surprisingly excited about this....but there might be a few tears as well.